Dear Children Having a Hard Time with Family Quarrels

Q. My parents quarrel constantly. Little things make them yell at each other right away. I am not sure whether it is because my father worked from home more due to COVID-19, or whether his work decreased, but recently my father is often at home, and I believe my parents are having more fights than before. Sometimes my father throws things at my mother or hits or kicks her.
Even if the yelling is not at me, I feel scared when I hear them yelling.
Sometimes their conversation is about me and sometimes the word divorce comes up.
Honestly, I don't want to hear my parents yelling at each other but I can't stop them. I feel like I am the reason they are arguing.
I have recently had difficulty sleeping at night and sometimes have a headache.

1 It is not your fault.

We understand that you are having a hard time listening to your parents quarrel when you see them quarrel. We also understand that even if you see your father or mother being violent to one another, you cannot help them. You may even blame yourself for not being able to help, or being the reason for the quarrel and feeling guilty.
The first thing we want you to know is that these quarrels are not your fault.
Your father and mother may be fighting for various reasons. Sometimes they may quarrel and mention you in relation to parenting, education, etc. However, whatever the reason for the quarrel is, it is not right to be violent, and there is no reason for you to have to listen to all of these quarrels when you have no chance to escape.

2 Do you know there is a form of domestic violence (DV) done in front of children?

DV is an abbreviation for domestic violence, usually used with the meaning of "violence caused by a person who has or had a close relationship with his or her spouse or lover." Such violence includes not only physical violence such as hitting and kicking, but also includes the use of abusive language such as yelling.

When you have to witness your father or mother being violent to one another (or even in cases where you have to witness adults living with you without any blood relationship being violent to one another), this is DV in front of children.

3 DV in front of children is a form of child abuse (psychological abuse)

Child abuse is abuse by guardians or custodians towards children (under 18 years of age). The form of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological or by neglect.
Domestic violence in front of children constitutes psychological abuse (Article 2, Item 4 of the Act on the Prevention, etc. of Child Abuse).
As such, if you are witnessing your family quarrel by way of yelling or by way of acts of violence, this is psychological abuse, even if you yourself are not the subject of such violence.

4 Your anxiety and stress may be caused by the DV in front of you.

We worry that psychological abuse by the DV in front of you can cause psychological stress which you cannot cope with. Such psychological stress may cause effects such as increased anxiety, fear, feelings that it is your fault, a lack of confidence, and a low sense of self-affinity.
Too much stress can also affect your mental and physical development, such as feeling ill, difficulty sleeping at night, restlessness, and cause difficulty controlling feelings. In addition, recent studies have suggested that when children continue to witness DV or are the victims of routine language abuse by their parents it may affect such children's brains.

5 Share your stories with agencies ~ Various supporting agencies ~

We can understand that there are a lot of things which worry you.
If there is no one you can talk to, please share your worries with us. There are adults who can give you advice after they have listened to you carefully to hear about the kind of situation you are in and what you would like to do in the future. We can help you move forward. We are also happy to help.

Please contact our email address (kodomototsunagaru@gmail.com).

Please refer to the page below which gives guidance on how to reach out to us.

Click here to read the article in Japanese.

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※　We cannot guarantee the accuracy of the content of the Google Translation, and the content of the machine translation by google should be read as a reference only.