On Shutting Myself Down

Okay, here we are. Another note, another "how to start this one" once more.

I'm more of a person that will talk with someone almost non-stop until one of us needs to go or do something else, especially when I got too cozy or we became colleagues for some reasons. But for some reason, there's this person , with just some simple phrase, shuts me down in an instant that it was really hard to talk to after that happened.

It was Easter, which should be a joyous occasion, but for some reasons I'm longing meeting that person, coz emotions stirring up, don't know why, really hard to ignore such, so I went YOLO and Fit, I'll go there --I have nothing to do by that time (I was alone at home), then I used the "ETA card" (me giving the time remaining to get there), then the bomb happened. "F off, I don 't want you here. Not everyone has the time to meet you. "(This message was lighter here as emotions flowed harder by that time) This was soul crashing, that, while I'm on transit (hence, the ETA), I decided not to continue, buy drinks, then drank by that day, with emotions flowing like crazy. I just shut myself up that day.

Next day came, need to cleanup my alcoholic mess before getting caught, then luckily it was still work from home --no worries of going to office with unstable emotions or hangover. Pain still lingers, but life should go on. Though with me shutting myself , all conversations with them are unanswered as of this writing --I just don't know what to say. It hurts. Even to this day, I can't even manage to open the conversation thread --which, for the first time, is on my archives, contemplating if I should delete those painful memories or not --as a learning mixed with some curse. I'm planning to communicate one day, maybe with birthday greetings, but for now, I can't --or I won' t.

Now here lies the problem: I'm also human, also will like someone, will long for someone, will fall in love with someone. I shouldn't be like that, I'm not even financially capable yet to live on my own Then to build a relationship? That costs a lot not just financially, but also physically and emotionally, which I'd rather "leave them alone" than deal with it. It also costs me a lot of productivity at work, which "I could" 've done better there ". This is really hard to deal with.

Though silver lining for now --I can somewhat manage the emotions, and thanks to us returning to office, I can now shift away my emotions to somewhere else --may another "someone"? But I don't believe much in office romance as sometimes it may lead to happy ending, but often times leads to the most tragic and awkward split-ups --won't risk that much just for my reasoning to go hay wire.

PS It took almost a third of the year to realize, then compose my emotions to this note, but if you reached this far, thanks for reading --and why? This is so much rants / rambles / recollections / whatnot, but letting them all out in a composition driven by emotion feels a bit good. Though, if I will share this to more, that's a bit tricky. I don't want my close circle --family, most of my friends, officemates --to hear this. isn't for their ears. But nonetheless, thanks again for wasting time on these.