ZETSUMEI Tsukishiro 2024/3/24 ENG translation (翻訳)

https://note.com/ztmi_tsukishiro/n/n4c545b0916c8

Birthdays, punishment, atonement, and

I also celebrated my birthday this year.
For a long time, I didn't feel comfortable celebrating my birthday at all. 
I always thought, "What makes me happy that I was born?"
However, there is nothing wrong with celebrating your birthday with friends and family.
Of course I feel happy if someone congratulates me.
But somehow it never felt right.
But starting this year, I said to myself, that I wanted to be comforted by people instead of celebrating my birthday, and it felt right.
From now on, I'm going to make my birthday a day to take comfort in the fact that I was born, so thank you all for making me feel comfortable about being born.
You might think "we're celebrating" and not "comforting," but believe me, it's comforting to me. It's really fine like this.
This year's birthday I felt really mentally weak.
For about two days I was still wrapped up in my futon, crying like a caterpillar and wondering why I felt so mentally ill when it was my own birthday.
It's probably because of my thoughts when I was in the 1st or 2nd grade of elementary school.
"How long do I have to live?
How many more years do I have to live?
Life is hell, it's painful, I'm afraid to live".
I remember being attacked by this feeling quite often.
But it's strange.
I don't think I was abused, neglected, or influenced by weird TV/books.
So I had a lot of thoughts about why I had that feeling.
I thought maybe I committed a sin in my previous life and was born as a punishment for it.
This makes me feel satisfied.
For me, to be born and to live is a punishment.
I wonder if the karma we put into our lives is a way to atone for our sins.
When I was a child, I didn't know anything about the world and had no life experience, so my life felt vague and I was afraid of my unknown future.
Life is no longer unknown to me, so it doesn't feel scary anymore. But life is hard and makes me mentally ill.
My heart becomes lighter when I think about dying and when I tell myself that the decision to die is always in my own hands.
When you wish for death
Then life is hell and death is salvation.
But I'm really scared of dying.
That's why I live.
I'm going to live, and I want to live as happily as possible.
My desire is to have a positive impact on the people with whom I am in contact.
I guess that's what I was supposed to do, to atone for my sins.
Right now, I think that Zetsumei is the last thing I need to do, my last salvation, my last redemption.
Through the activities of ZETSUMEI, to entertain or save someone's life.
That's possible if I can have a good influence on someone.
If it could atone for my sins and make my karma disappear...
I'm glad I was born.
It's fun to live.
I wonder if it is time for me to feel this way.
I hope you follow me.
And the bandname "ZETSUMEI" suits really perfect for me.
It was my birthday that brought it to my mind and to my heart.
Today it's a live day again. Would you enjoy it? Would you like it?
Good night.