【英語で考えるゲーム】脳内メモーlove myself

自分の考えを整理したい時、あえて英語で考える。そうすることで新しく見えることもあれば、自分のネガティブ思考を再構成できたり、英語ならではの論理のつながりが見つけやすくやったりするから。

今回はわたしが日々戦っている「自分」という存在について。

I have never loved myself in my life, I realized. Since I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room alone due to the coronavirus circumstances, I read a lot as well as think about my life a lot.

Some nights I cry and wear myself to sleep. I feel sad for my insecurities, imperfections, or things happened in my life. It is unhealthy but I keep blaming myself for the sake of... the sake of something. I don’t know what it is, but I squeeze myself for something I don’t see.

Since August, I’ve kept myself busy for seminar activities. There are so many interesting things I wanna do or be a part of, and also I started a project for community relations. I’m interested in how people collaborate and work together in a community so I wanted to give my seminar member an environment to get in touch. However, it feels like I’ve done those projects just for me to get compliments and feel needed by others, not for other members genuinely. Now I’m ashamed of myself and so sorry to deceive my fellow members just because of making myself look good. And this made me realize that I valued myself by judgements compliment from others. I didn’t hear my voice inside. I’ve always listened to other’s voice, which mostly I shouldn’t care about. I need to learn to give myself a pat on the back so I don’t have to make more lies to myself and my precious people around.

It’s not about how many times people say “I love you” to you, not about how far you and your friends are. I rather stay in love with each other however distant they are, than feel them far away even if being right by my side. You gotta FEEL their love and emotion. You gotta FIND your love and emotion. In a book of “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm, a line says “Love is not falling in, love is a technique to feel.” This somehow makes sense to me. Also I gotta praise yourself no matter what. I always asked others to say or express how much I mean to them so I can keep my self esteem at a certain point, but I don’t think it’s right.

I don’t look like girls on magazines or I’m not as smart as my friends. I don’t care about those usually because I wanna stop comparing myself with others, but once in a while, suddenly my brain is swayed. Every mistake or failure I’ve made in my life crosses my mind and conquers my mind. Feels like it tells me how meaningless I am. It really hurts. I tear up or actually cry so hard, and that makes me more miserable. I know, I know I think too much about it but I cannot help thinking of it. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. But this is me too. I gotta accept such an aspect of me and start hating myself less and less to keep holding on my future.

Loving myself never be easy, and I don’t think I will be able to get it from tomorrow. It’s gonna take times and I’d like to see what loving myself is like. It’s one of my biggest goal in life. I cannot get out of these sad negative days in tears until I see my values and beauty on the inside. One thing I can be sure is I have been around amazing people who are supportive, generous and caring to me at every single moment of my life. I want to take a moment to appreciate YOU and hope your life and my life will be full of blessing. I miss you. I care about you. No matter where we are, we feel love for each other and I hope the day will come soon, us talking over a cup of coffee. Merry Christmas and happy happy new year!

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これを読んでくれたあなたへ

I don’t know who you are or where you’re from, but that’s not important. You’re amazing. What you used to be makes you who you are. You’re the most important person in your life. Love yourself. God’s gonna bless you. Have a great day, night or whatever fits you now! Haha