A Silent Goodbye(大切な人たちとの別れ)
The more friends, the merrier, they say. Well, indeed! When you’ve got lots of people surrounding you, fun does not end. Imagine the numerous get-togethers, drinking parties and drunk moments, endless exchange of stories, countless amounts of laughter, you name it. When you have problems or you just want to share a piece of your mind, they are there to listen or advise if needed. It’s really all fun and games until life slaps you in the face.
Back in high school and university, I had numerous friends. Like tons of them. Some friendships I still keep as we speak, however there were some that I had to let go. There is this certain group of friends that was really close to my heart that I never imagined our relationship would be severed. I even thought we would be friends forever but for the sake of my mental health and peace, I had to cut them off.
We went way back in high school because we were all classmates from the first year until we graduated. We started as acquaintances in freshman year, developed a friendship in the next year, and established real closeness in our junior year. Originally, we were seven in the group but two more people were added when we became seniors so we ended up nine in total. Two of them were boys, Mat and Phil, one was gay who was JK, one was a tomboy who was Lucy, and the rest were us pretty girls, Ally, Shae, Fatima, Camie, and me.
Now I do not want to brag but most of us were household names at school. To state a few reasons, except for Phil and Lucy, we were all part of the Supreme Student Government with Ally as our president and JK, Shae, Fatima, and I were members of our hometown’s and the school’s dance troupe. We were a good bunch, weren’t we? I suppose this is one of the reasons why we got really close to each other. Aside, of course, from the fact that we all share the same sense of humor.
Every time we hung out at school or at Phil’s place, there was never a dull moment. Everyone pitched in with their jokes no matter how lame or laughable they were, and everyone always had something to say, especially JK who was the life of the party. What with his amusing remarks and quick wits, there was never a time that he was out of words.
All those memories never fail to put a smile on my face. I still remember the time when we always used our Filipino class during senior year (because our teacher was absent most of the time) to go to the canteen to eat some freshly cooked boiled bananas paired with brined anchovies. We could not resist it! These bad boys are the best snacks we could ever wish for. There was also one time when the gang goofed around and jumped over the fence of the school just to buy ‘bahug-bahug’ - a bread pudding. It was Mat and Phil’s idea and we thought it was great so we excitedly went along. Mind you, this was also during our Filipino class in junior year. This time though, our teacher was too busy and she could not attend the class so we used the time to satisfy our craving for the said pastry. I could go on and on with all the silly things we did back in high school. Those were the good old days.
Fast forward to university, we continued hanging out together, albeit incomplete most of the time because all of them, except me, studied in the city. We saw each other mostly during weekends at our usual hangout place - Phil’s house - and the frequency got lower so every time we actually met, it got more fun and exciting. I was one of the few who was always there. Despite that, our closeness didn’t diminish one bit and it didn’t stop us from having fun, getting drunk, and going home late.
Now it’s time to face adulthood responsibilities. It was the year 2018 when I got a job at a private high school in my hometown after graduating while the rest of my friends completed their remaining units in university. During this time, I was still able to hang out with them and made sure I could because I wanted to destress.
A year later, I landed a job in the city with a 6-day working schedule. Because of this, I rarely spent time with them – only when I did not feel too tired spending my only day off drinking and dreading the worst hangover the next day. Whenever this happened, I always dreaded traveling back to the city in the wee hours of the next day to make it on time for work. It was too exhausting so I ended up refusing most of their invites. As a result, they tried to tell me that some of them were willing to skip work and I should do the same. When I refused, they told me that I had already changed. At that time, I got into a relationship and they also held that against me saying that because I had a boyfriend, I could not make time for them anymore. I could not even make time for my partner, how much more for them. This went on for 2 years.
In truth, I get why they acted like that. I missed them too but this is just life. Our priorities changed when we started working and at that time, they were no longer on top of my list. I was hoping they understood my situation. But I noticed that their treatment towards me changed. Their replies to my messages were getting dry and I received rare to no invites from them anymore. Anyway, I still continued reacting with heart emojis to the photos they sent to our group chat and cheered them on.
Until one day, JK shared a post on Facebook with a quote that said, “That one friend who does not go out with friends anymore just because they got into a relationship,” then tagged everyone in the group. Except me. What did that mean? Of course, I know it was meant for me but what I could not understand was why he did that. Were they talking behind my back whenever I did not show up? Honestly, when I saw that, I felt sad, hurt, a bit angry, and betrayed at the same time. I thought they understood the reason why I could not spend as much time with them as before. How could they even think that I abandoned them? How could they do that to me? Why do my other friends never judge me about being in a relationship even if we have not talked nor seen each other for years? They have known me the longest and they should have understood me better.
I loved my friends, truly. With them, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I had the time of my life with them! However, the post was the last straw. It lingered in my mind for a long time along with the emotions I had when I read it and I could not help but think about what I could have done to avoid this situation. I did not want to lose them. They were very precious to me. I could not imagine putting an end to such friendship but I could not take it anymore. It was too stressful for me so I have to toughen it up and choose to slowly accept that I needed to let go, let them go. There is no point crying over spilled milk and dwelling in the past will do me no good. I know I should have talked to them but they were not open to hearing the other side of the coin, so I mustered up my courage and left our group chat and unfriended them on Facebook. I cut our communication once and for all.
Surprisingly, moving on was not that difficult like I imagined. Along the way I realized how toxic the friendship was when they started to guilt trip me and they did not mature at all. They were still stuck at the time when we had zero responsibilities and everything did not result in serious consequences. Somehow, that helped me accept the situation more easily, bearing no grudges.
Right now, I still have friends but not as many as before. In the end, quality rules over quantity. We must choose those who will not jeopardize our sense of worth and peace of mind just because our priorities do not align with each other. Even if it means having only five friends left. At least you can be proud to say that they are all true friends.
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