August 5th

    During my first training camp as a member of the football club at my school, we were able to go and watch a J.League football game at at the Yamaha stadium in Iwata, Shizuoka. It was my first ever J.League game that I happened to watch. I underestimated the abilities of the players as I had never heard before the names of Kaminski, Yamada and Schmidt. However, they were amazing. The first touch of the players to contain the ball was soft like butter. Definitely something I would not be able to do. 
    The cultural differences I faced during my first stay in Japan were abundant. I had never drank tap water abroad due to the water system being less trustable than Japan. All of my teammates were drinking directly from the taps. I filled up my bottle with 2 liters of tap water and dispersed the Pocari powder my parents had packed for me. It didn't taste very well, but that is why I remember the scene so clearly. One of the seniors had started a massacre for crabs, by lining them up one by one and making them fight for their lives. The scene reminded me of the movie 'Collosseum', where people were forced to fight till one dies. Except the victims were the crabs who lost their lives in this instance. I never knew people could be so brutal.
   These were the days where I was proud of myself. I felt confident, strong and intelligent. No-one could potentially get in my way as I was the king of the mountain. However I was mistaken. A true king is one who has been given the throne and heavily respected by their people. That was not the case for me.
   When I looked in the mirror I saw Caligula and if others gave me a glance, they could too. I used force and betrayal to rise to what I called the top. I made my crown out of ego and guilt, my throne out of self-satisfaction and last but not least my reputation into ruins. 
   Although my self-triumph came in an instant, I was never satisfied with my "accomplishments". I felt happy, popular and respected. That really was what people told me about me and my group of "friends". But if a warp hole suddenly opened on the face of my white wall in my room, I'd go back and redo my life from 1st grade. I'd apologize to my classmates, teachers and family. I am truly sorry for lying to all of you for my success. I wish to prosper and will do anything in-order for my prosperity. I don't mind bringing people down if it works on my benefit. 
   But what this does not mean is that self-interest has taken over my mind and started to direct hate toward the abundance of people around me. It is in my self-interest to help my friends, family and lover. If you are a part of my life that I cannot let go I will protect you and be loyal to you. At least this is what I am going for. 
   I often lose track of my behavior and hurt people, people who mean greatly to my heart. When I notice it is almost always too late. I don't want you to leave me but I am not afraid if you do. My self-interest will command me to deliberately hurt you both physically and mentally.
   When a close friend of mine once betrayed me I was filled with anger. This lasted for about a month till I suddenly felt rational again. Of course they would leave me. I would mock their friends and family, physically damage them and toggle with their properties. I want to say I am sorry but I feel too weak. The friendship we had was one which I would call them everyday to talk and play, I never thought that it would end in a way where a black abyss came in-between us. So again, I'd like to say that I am filled with self-interest. 
   It does not control me but does guide me both positively and negatively. I want to apologize for my reparations but will remind you, the reader, that I am sad. It is always the lonely nights where I get depressive thoughts and think about my past doings. I often wish to change them and to apologize but I am too weak right now to do so. 
   Never forget that I said this. I am the main character of my story and it is in my great interest to let you take part in the story, just remember that I am also the publisher. I cannot erase the story like a writer but I am more tha able to say no to your actions.
   Alright this was a long and stupid rant of mine but I hope you enjoyed it. I still feel depressive but isn't that everyone?
  
Btw, sorry for punching you guys everyday.

Dec 13. 2022
Aoi. A