spontaneous writing [20220830]

In these days I strongly hope to start living alone again.  It's so much fun to live with mom and it's very handy that I don't have to prepare for meal, but I'm so sick of living with dad.  

Since I was a child, I have been feeling like I'm dad's clone.  We look similar and the way we think are similar too.  He is so mentally weak and vulnerable like a baby.  He is so bad at doing well with other people.  He is so bad at thinking of what other people are thinking.  The way he eats food is so awful that I always try not to eat with him.  When he eats, he doesn't lift up food by chopsticks but he touches the dish with his mouth and inhale the food like a vacuum.  It's just so gross.  It's so terrible that you look like your dad and that dad is such an immature person. 

When I passed the entrance exam of the vocational school, mom looked happy but dad wasn't.  Dad doesn't really like me going to vocational school not a proper college.  He said that I should not be studying with people who don't do well on paper tests.  I thought he was right in a point.  I should not be living with someone like dad who says such an inappropriate thing.  

The way I hate him is so hard to explain.  I can't even do it in Japanese.  But anyway I really want to live alone, especially I want to be separate with dad. 

I used to live alone when I was working at a hospital.  It was a wonderful experience.  It's just so fun that you can decide whatever about your life.  I enjoyed singing in my room with no one listening.  I also started to wear a t-shirt that shows my shoulders.  Mom always complains about what I wear and she hates me showing my skin, so I couldn't do that when I live with mom.  When I started wearing that t-shirt in my own house, I realized I really like the style like that.  I also started wearing perfume.  I couldn't wear perfume in my family house because I didn't want my family to ask me what perfume I use.  I think it's dangerous to live with your parents because you might never realize what you really like.  

Another thing I loved about living alone is that you can learn to take responsibility for your life.  After you take a bath, you might often notice that there is a hair on the bath room floor.  If you are living alone, that hair is always yours and it's always you who have to clean the bath room.  It's annoying in the first but I think it's a good thing to learn.

To start to live alone, I have to find a good place to live and make money to pay for the rent, but I think it's possible. 

Searching a good room is so exciting.  They show floor maps of the rooms and I imagine what it will be like to live there.  I also thought that it's hard to decide where to live only by the floor map.  I think it's important what it looks like in the outside of the room.  I went to a realtor for the first time.  A guy at the realtor told me how it works after I choose a room.  He also told me that it's better to decide in August because it's going to be harder after I quit my job.  If you don't have a proper job that is not a part time job, the owner of the room might don't want to rent you their room.  But I don’t think it's realistic to rent a room before I start my part time job, so I will just see if it's possible until the next month.   It always costs money when you move your house, but I kind of think living alone is very important and valuable.