spontaneous writing [20221002]

I wrote on here last year about one of my friend.  He is one of my best friend.  We met at a ski resort when we were 19 years old.  We were working together at a restaurant at Prince hotel at Nagano just for the winter.  I first found him at our employee's cafeteria.  I thought that he looked like an actor Suda Masaki who is my favorite, so I talked to him.  I think I was so brave.   We both love snowboarding, so we got along well soon.  When we finished our job at the ski resort, we came back to Tokyo together and after that, we hung out a few times.  

I already wrote about his personality last year so I'm not going to the details right now, but he is someone who is liked by people.  It's so different from me.  

I like him because his world is so different from mine and it's interesting.  Most of the case someone like him are not interested in someone like me, but he listens to me.  

He studied about car engineering at university and after graduation he was employed by Nissan Motor.  Which is a great thing.  We saw each other last year for the last time.  The day before yesterday I texted him for the first time in a year.  And it turned out that he is now dating with his colleague.  

I definitely don't care about who he is going to date, but it got me uncomfortable.  I don't know what it is like to be to get employed by Nissan Motor as a girl.  She might be really smart, she might really loves cars, but I am sure that she is beautiful.  I have never met her or saw a picture of her, but he always likes beautiful woman and that's why I'm sure about it. 

I chose to be a nurse and now I'm preparing to study at college to do IT.  That is my choice.  I made the decision to be a nurse because I didn't wanna be a part of a company.  I thought that I would be like a slave if I employed by a company.  You work only for the benefit of the company, not for yourself or the society.  I knew it because it is the rule of the capitalism.  So I wanted to get a skill to do something on my own without being tied by companies.  That's how I became a nurse and found what I really wanna do next.  I could quit the hospital because I am a nurse and I can find places to work every where and anytime.  And here is the point now, I am starting to doubt my decision.  

I usually love myself.  I just call it here "a sense of self-acceptance."  I love myself so I don't usually regret about past.  I believe that the decision I made is always right because that is my decision.  Now I am feeling a strong sense of inferiority.  I couldn't go to the right way that I go to university and enter a company and find a fiance among the colleagues.  

When he started dating with his ex-girlfriend, I had the same feeling.  I was so sad.  I think it was 3 yeas ago and until now I haven't been getting mature.  

Maybe I should recall the sense of self-acceptance.  I should be grateful to him and I should be grateful for being able to have such a good friend.