In This Moment, All We Have Is Now
It was December 30th 2023… I still remember it like it was yesterday. I had been saving up a trip to Japan since the beginning of the year, and I decided to go back after about five long years. I remember touching down at the airport in Narita and received such terrible, saddening news. But…before I touch up on that, I have so much ground to cover. The last time I was in Japan, I was teaching abroad in Thailand and would occasionally make my rounds here. I had quite the career as a teacher, traveling all across Asia teaching ESL (English as a Second Language), and residing in Thailand for over a year. I was able to travel to Malaysia and Vietnam as well. At the time, I was in love with anime and gaming, in fact, I was completely unaware of the absolute joy that pro wrestling would bring me. I was simply a fan of animation and learning the language of the Japanese.
Before I continue however…
Here is a brief introduction of who I am:
Most of you guys know me as Kai, the Hikari Noa fan, but the reality is…
My real name Is Clyde. I was nicknamed "Kai" when I first came to Japan many years ago, after my Japanese girlfriend at the time had a difficult time addressing me by "Clyde", so overtime, "Kai" stuck and I enjoyed the nickname. It became a force of habit to just introduce myself as "Kai" when speaking to others in Japan because so many people had a difficult time calling me by my God-given name. Again, I have zero issues with it, in fact I remember it with fondness and sincerity.
I'm currently 28 years old. I was raised in the city of Los Angeles, born into a Filipino-American family, and I majored in child development in university, I'm currently back in school as a hospitality major. I typically work more and than one job and at a time, and will occasionally run small business from home to support myself. I've always have had an enjoyment for Japanese culture, Japanese language, and especially Japanese philosophy growing up. I've always had something in their culture looming over my shoulder. My uncle exposed me to animes, I had Japanese friends growing up, and I love the philosophy of "Ichigo Ichie". My grandfather whom I love and respect more than anyone else on the planet even has a pair of twin katanas in our living room, and he would always tell me stories from his visits from Japan when he served in the U.S. NAVY. He loved collecting TV's from Japan as well, so it's pretty fair to say his fascination with the culture was mutual, I technically got it from him. At first I was only into anime, but after a trip to Japan, it changed my entire perspective. The level of respect, etiquette, and hospitality i've felt from them is truly unmatched. I have also felt a level of kindness that i've never experienced as well, I know there is a clear difference between respect and kindness, but the people I befriended there truly were the kindest people i've ever met, and i'm still friends with them to this very day. So many of them invited me to drink late at night, invite me to nightclubs, introduced me to their families, and even let me stay in their homes for weeks at a time when I would come visit.
Other than my love for Japan, I enjoy watching the NBA as a LA Laker fan (being born in Los Angeles) I have experience in boxing and various martial arts, I enjoy collecting vintage cassette players, listening to hardcore punk music, Hip-Hop, watching horror movies, and playing fighting games (Street fighter, Tekken, King of fighters to name a few). When I attended highschool, I was very much into anime which brought me to Japan in the first place, and even played 3 different sports: Track & Field, cross country, and basketball. I loved sports, and completely idolized my favorite players: Kobe Bryant, Jerry West, Manny Pacquiao, just to name few.
I'm the eldest of 3 sons and 1 of them is actually my twin brother (Jay). You may or may not have seen him at wrestling shows with me, and we often get mistaken for each other due to nature of being twins. He is a big fan of Rika Tatsumi and Suzume as well.
So what brought me back to Japan?
As some of you may know from a Twitter (X) post I made, I listed 4 woman's wrestlers that not only opened up an entire realm of pro wrestling for me, but influenced my life altogether.
List of my most influential Joshi:
— UP UP BOYS | KAI (カイ-カイ!) (@uub_p_KAI) April 17, 2024
Who exposed me to Joshi wrestling: Maki Itoh
Who got me invested: Kamiyu
Who was my first favorite: Mayu Iwatani
Who became my all-time fav: Hikari Noa
Feel free to share yours, i'd love to know what your lists look like🤗 pic.twitter.com/i6qj11A4OL
As you can see, here are the 4, each listed with their own unique reasons as to why I enjoy their work:
Maki Itoh - Before I even became a fan of Maki, I was a fan of her, "No fucks" given attitude, completely unfiltered tweets, uniquely colored hair, and willingness to be herself with zero boundaries.
Yuki "Kamiyu" Kamifuku - Believe it or not, Kamiyu was the real reason why I became a TJPW fan. I started watching TJPW religiously after she had lost her belt. Her beauty alone was enough to allure me to the promotion.
Mayu Iwatani - The "Icon" herself. Even people that aren't fans of Japanese Woman's wrestling know who Mayu Iwatani is. Seeing someone so frail and small looking at a glance perform all of these high risk and dangerous maneuvers earned her the title of my first favorite.
Finally… the main reason why i'm even writing this article in the first place…
Hikari Noa - My all time favorite, my inspiration. The deathmatch enthusiast from a small town in Hokkaido.
Her dyed blonde hombre-styled hair, piercings, ring gear, entrance music, and the ability to be an idol completely caught my attention and maximized my fascination to levels that I didn't think were possible. I'm not a huge fan of idols, in fact, even to this day It hasn't really interested me at all. I had a K-pop phase during my first few years of university, and will occasionally listen to whatever is trending, but moreover I do have a bias towards wrestlers that have a wide variety of interests, talents, and passions. Her in-ring style is also noteworthy as well, she fights a little dirty with hair-pulling and will occassionally put other wrestlers hair in her mouth, but has a variety of suplexes, strikes, and she's quite swift. One very important fact about Hikari that I must highlight is her love for death matches. I didn't think someone so adorable looking would take such an interest in barbaric levels of violence and pain. THAT WAS THE MOMENT I KNEW she became my favorite. Her willingness to show love and enthusiasm for something I personally appreciated (and have been ridiculed for enjoying growing up), but also enjoyed something that I mutually loved. I haven't showed my love for it that much online, but I remember as a child, stealing our family laptop we all shared to watch Japanese death matches, mainly of Mick Foley during his overseas excursions on Youtube. I had no idea there was an entire world and niche out there besides WWE/WWF as a child, and it felt like I was viewing something I shouldn't have. As if I would get in trouble or I was watching a "RATED-R MOVIE" without my parents permission. It was exhilarating, violent, creative, and seeing everyone's emotions involved was what got me fired up.
To be completely and 100% transparent with you… (I don't think I've shared this information with anyone), but she didn't strike me as my favorite or as a wrestler that stood out amongst the rest of the roster at a first glance. As previously stated, Kamiyu was actually the reason I got invested in TJPW. It's borderline insanity considering where I am today, but I'm essentially the "Hikari" guy now and probably for however long I decide to stay in this community.
Hikari earned my admiration and respect after getting to learn who she was in interviews and after spending a brief period of time assessing each wrestler in TJPW. Call it a blessing or a curse, but in the end, I had chosen the dog-loving, Seven-Eleven enjoying, no tomato sauce on pizza having woman. To be honest, and even in retrospect, I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always been a fan of pro wrestling on a casual level, but after seeing her matches I completely fell in love with pro wrestling. Seeing that TJPW had never been to my home country of America, I thought, maybe I should plan a trip and watch them live in Japan someday. After all, I'm typically not the type of person for an opportunity to come to me, I go chase it.
Luck Was Certainly On My Side For Once
On January 3rd approximately 6:30 PM PST Time, I see an opportunity of a lifetime for me and my brother…
TJPW would finally make their overseas debut in the city where I grew up in. Los Angeles, would be only a drive away from where I reside, and I had to take the opportunity, I simply would be idiotic to reject an offer like this. Keep in mind, I was still predominantly a Stardom fan at the time, so I actually didn't really know a ton of wrestlers on this roster. In fact, seeing the TJPW show would be a secondary sort of thing, not a priority at this time for me. However, hindsight is always 20/20 and Stardom would not be partaking in Wrestlecon. However, Hikari was definitely my favorite despite that, Kamiyu and Maki i've known for awhile, and Yuka Sakazaki was making her rounds in AEW. So naturally, I was going to know who they are. However… if i'm being completely transparent, I wasn't too aware of the likes of Dejimon (Suzume and Arisu Endo funny because they ended up being one of my favorite tag teams of the modern era), I wasn't too knowledgeable of the foreign talent, and if you asked me to name even the finishing moves of all the wrestlers… I simply would not be able to (at the time). In short, I was a fan, but a pretty new, and even a casual one at that. Despite all that I see something that catches my eye… meet and greets… and who do I see amongst the legends and worldwide superstars…? Hikari Noa…
I still remember the absolute adrenaline rush I had exerted after making the realization that I very well have the opportunity to meet the woman who had made me fall in love with Pro Wrestling. I remember saving every penny I had at my jobs I was working and had received a copious amount of tips from generous customers at the time. I felt like all my hard work was truly paying off and that I should really grasp this opportunity I was given.
MY FIRST TJPW EVENT: [TJPW LIVE IN LOS ANGELES]
It was March 31st, and I vividly remember doing EVERYTHING LAST MINUTE before leaving for LA, and my twin brother could not get the day off due to his boss being difficult and quite frankly, he was not the most caring of individuals. Due to poor planning, booking, and even him being sleepless, we arrived late to the event. I remember even paying our hotel receptionist more money to access our rooms before the scheduled time just so we could shower and sleep right before the event. By just a dumb string of luck, and my "silver tongue", I was able to deescalate the situation and arrive JUST IN TIME before the actual event started.
Something that I even prepared in advance was T-shirts that I made myself via Photoshop. Most of you on twitter have seen some of my designs overtime, but this was my VERY FIRST one, and while it's not the greatest design… I made it with a lot of love, and I couldn't wait for Hikari and Kakuta-san to see them.
When we entered the venue it was in a dark, medium sized room. I had never been to a small wrestling show, so I had no idea what to expect, but I do remember hearing the Iconic voice of Sayuri Namba (TJPW's announcer). I feel like she REALLY set the tone of what kind of atmosphere this show in particular will have. Since we were late to the venue, I was frantically trying to figure out where to go, and where to sit. Me and my brother were standing up against a wall, and I wasn't even supposed to be standing there.
HOWEVER, this blossomed my first interaction ever with Hikari Noa…
During the TJPW show, you can see the Up Up Girls being introduced 1 by 1, and I see the woman in blue… and you can see her smile and wave to a fan that has a small fan with her face on it…
Who is that you fan you may ask…? Well i'll let you put the pieces together.
Below is the stream that I screenshot from Wrestle Universe's website:
Don't believe me? Well here's an angle of where I was standing, and to be frank, I was not supposed to be there in the first place. I remember waving that fan so excitedly and with so much glee.
Now… In retrospect this isn't really anything to write home about, and this is just me having a fan moment. (Especially considering all the interactions and funny moments i've shared with this woman up to this point) However, this did indeed happen, you can ask Jay if you want confirmation, he still makes fun of the BIG DUMB SMILE I had after she waved to me. Keep in mind too, if this is your first time getting to know me, and have no idea who I am…well this is what I thought would be the highlight of my weekend. Little did I know… I was wrong…
I WAS VERY VERY VERY WRONG. It just kept getting better and better.
Eventually, I found the seats where we were supposed to sit, in fact, I stole seats from my eventual good friend Rocky, and his friends. (Pictured below)
Shortly after finding our seats… this happened…
GUYS GUYS GUYS I MET HIKARI NOA AND RAKU THEY LET US SHOOT A SMOL VIDEO DURING UPPERKICK IM SO HAPPY! 🤩✨ #tjpwusa #hikarinoa #raku #乃蒼ヒカリ pic.twitter.com/V0U0ttQpnl
— UP UP BOYS | KAI (カイ-カイ!) (@uub_p_KAI) March 31, 2023
My brother had pulled out his phone, and one by one, Miu (shown in a different video) , Hikari, and even Raku stood in the frame to be apart of this funny, yet beautiful memory. Some of my current followers discovered this video and this is where it all started… This was my pinned tweet for the longest time up until recently, and what would be what I recognize as: My journey to being known as the guy who is a big fan of Hikari Noa.
AGAIN, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEKEND. It wasn't even REMOTELY CLOSE.
Seeing my inspiration wrestle for the very first time was such an awe-inspiring, unmatched experience to behold. Hikari Noa, Nao Kakuta, Suzume, and Arisu Endo were all the first players I've got to witness live in person. I've seen wrestling in Japan before, but I didn't get seats to sit in a venue, I watched outside in a lobby area in the Tokyo Dome and I wasn't really a fan, so I consider this my REAL, FIRST EXPERIENCE.
The crowd, energy, entrance music everything was something that i'd have never experienced before. The LOUD bumps on the mat, the cheering, and especially the amazing moment where I had seen my favorite tag team win in front of my very eyes was all beautiful. To be honest with you, I had tears in my eyes from the amount of joy I couldn't suppress. I was watching a movie, witnessing everything in real time, absorbing every moment with no room for regrets or second guessing. This is pro wrestling. This is what I came to know and love. It definitely would not be the last time I shed tears at a pro wrestling event either. I'm a pretty emotional person I will admit, I truly "Wear my heart on my sleeve" Especially when absorbing any form of media.
Watching all the antics like Hyper Misao spraying other wrestlers, Wasteland War Party's total domination, Kamiyu's eye poking, Rika's Title Defense, and even MagiRabi win the tag team titles were all so amazing in person and nothing like I had ever witnessed in my life. I'd go into detail with everything, but this has more to do with a specific person… which brings me to my next topic…
MEETING MY INSPIRATION:
After the event, me and my brother actually had no idea where to go for Meet and Greets. We went back to the venue for Wrestlecon, and saw that they were scheduled to show up in the main exhibition hall, but we couldn't find them. We had even run into staff and asked where they might be… but to no avail there were no TJPW wrestlers out on the floor. Personally speaking, I had mentally gave up on meeting them for the day, but my brother had INSISTED that we stay… You see… I had that impression that they'll be here for 2 more days, but looking back, I'm so glad my brother had stopped me because…
Just as I was headed towards the exit….
Who do I see?
THE ENTIRE ROSTER LINED UP JUST WALKING AROUND.
He stalled me for JUST ENOUGH TIME so that they would arrive.
You know…. I'm very embarrassed to say this, and I had never told this to anyone either, but my excitement really got the better of me, and I waved hello to Hikari. Mentally, and especially in retrospect, I should not have done that. I'm usually quite diligent when respecting players privacy, and historically i've always done that, especially during my last Japan trip where I couldn't hide from wrestlers pretty much everyday I was there…. If they said hi to me, I would say hello, and even tell them how big of a fan I am without causing a scene. If not, I treat them like everyone else and respect their privacy.
But this…. this was different. I JUST LET MY EMOTIONS RUN WILD. It was my first real wrestling event, and my favorite player was in front of me. I couldn't wait to tell her how much she meant to me.
DAY 1: Blind Confidence
You know… normally when I have a big moment to meet anyone I look up to, I usually get nervous. Whether it be a professional athlete, a celebrity, or even anyone popular in any community I get incredibly jittery and a massive headrush from my uncontainable excitement. When I have a passion or love for someone or something, I give it 110% of my efforts and feelings. Pro wrestling fans shouldn't be afraid to show their support after all, right? It's what gets wrestlers going and it keeps them motivated at a very grass-root level. However, this time, I just had confidence like no other, for no reason at all. It truly must have been fate, because I had feelings and energy in my body that I only get when I see her, even to this day. I remember getting in line, and it was my turn to meet Hikari.
I remember using my embarrassing beginner-level Japanese - with an extremely embarrassing big smile:
"私の名前はクライドです, よろしくお願いします!"
(My name is Clyde, nice to meet you)
I even bowed to her, and used my REAL NAME. My nickname Kai was established, but I wanted something even more sentimental, it was like I was willing to share a secret with her, so I used my real name. A large percentage of the community had not even known that was my real name until today. There wasn't so much that I remembered from communicating properly with Japanese etiquette, but I at least learned to practice to pronounce things in Japanese properly and to bow out of respect to whoever i'm communicating with. It doesn't matter what country i'm in, or who i'm talking to, but it's always important to me to be respectful and assimilate accordingly to who i'm communicating with.
For an example:
As I mentioned previously, I lived in Thailand, and me being American, we shake hands for formal first introductions. This is not normal in Thailand, and certainly not in Japan. In Thailand they practice the "Wai" which is a variation of a bow but while putting your hands together in a prayer formation. This is typically followed by saying the words:
"khap (ครับ)" which is a phrase used by men,
or ka (ค่ะ) which is a phrase used by woman.
Depending on the level of respect given, the deeper you bow. You should do this when you see monks, people worthy of respect, or even just to greet people, However, you shouldn't do this to children. I never actually formally learned why, but I remember I accidently did it to one of my students, and I was quickly corrected by one of the locals who was also a mother. See? There's rules to everything, culture is beautiful, and being respectful will help you stand out and open up entire worlds out there for you. You may not understand it, and sometimes in extreme cases, you may not agree with it, but being respectful is important. Besides, it is fun to learn about other walks of life, but it can help you make new lifelong friends from all regions of the world.
Hikari Noa was no exception, in fact, I wanted to make the best first impression I possibly could. I wanted all the TJPW players to feel "At home" and safe here in America. So why not try to speak their language and try to mimic their mannerisms? It was all out of respect, and even though I'm no expert, everyone's got to start somewhere right? There wasn't much I talked about with her on the first day, other than the fact that I loved Japan, and I mentioned 3 specific places I visited:
Tokyo
Osaka
Hokkaido
I knew she was from there already, and just for the record, i've always loved Hokkaido. When I first visited Japan, Hokkaido was the second place I visited. I was in love with the locals, food, their baseball team (at the time I was a huge fan) and even the snow. I love cold weather.
But even moreso, she said (in response to Hokkaido)
"え????ー 北海道!"
Our dialogue went something like this:
"EH??? HOKKAIDO!" I am from!"
then I said, "寒いです(it's cold, (there)
then I remember her saying back, "あー寒い" (Ah (yes), it's cold")
My brother had to translate for me as well, but she also asked me where I was from, and how old I was. I said I was from the Philippines and that she's always wanted to visit there. I was honestly very surprised and happy! Hikari wants to visit my home country? I'm quite flattered, and honored in a way.
I could really tell she loved her hometown simply by describing the place where she's from because her face lit up EVEN more than usual.
I absolutely respected her attempts to speak English, I think she really appreciated how I tried to speak Japanese with her, as with all the players really. At that point my Japanese was at least at a level where if you spoke to me in English, I could give you a somewhat proper response in Japanese. Of course i've gotten better since that blessed day, but at the time it was enough to spark so much joy and beautiful memories. I'm glad we could generate something of that magnitude. The whole interaction was like I was dreaming.
It was truly the definition of "Meeting each other halfway"
To me… There is something so beautiful about two people from two different backgrounds, speaking two different languages, from two different cultures, coming from two different countries, trying to communicate with each other.
At that moment, I felt like I was holding up her line, which by the way, got so long, if I recall correctly. She had one of the more longer lines. I remember also meeting Ash that day, the DDT translator, to help me with our conversation, I unfortunately don't remember much else, but I remember her being happy with the shirt I had made of Free Wi-fi and her saying, "
"すごいコスチューム ストップ!!" (amazing, costume swap!!)
She was referring to the photo I had added onto the t shirt. Shortly after, I said I wanted a combo (2-shot and a signed portrait) along with her T-shirt she was selling, it came out to about $100, and Ash helped communicate that. She looked SO surprised that I wanted everything she had to offer at her table. I still remember seeing her face get so animated. I remember picking out both of her portraits, then she asked me for my name.
Mr. Haku, another translator, also had given us advice prior to the event about a month in advance if I recall correctly. He said to write your name down on a notepad on your phone, and ZOOM IN for the talent to see our names for them write down as a signature on the portraits. That advice still helps me to this day, so thank you very much Haku-San, and Thank you Ash. You both made a memorable experience that much better for me, and I am grateful.
I can still see her big smile, and I can still hear her accent recite my name. I took it a step further and wrote my name in Kanji so she could read my name in her native language as well. The text read like this on my phone:
CLYDE (クライド)
So basically she kept saying "Kuraido? Kuraido. Kuraido!" (My name recited in Japanese with an accent)
She kept saying my name in different tones at least 5 times, I don't think she's ever heard my name before considering she's native Japanese and hasn't met a lot of foreign fans. My name isn't common after all, even within the confides of my own home country, so it doesn't surprise me, but seeing her smile so bright after talking about her hometown and getting so excited, it made me so happy. Lastly, she mentioned how she liked my tattoo as well, at the time, I only had one, and it was an album cover of one of my favorite bands of all time. It's located on my right tricep. I originally got this design to pay homage my favorite album, and because it's a play-on-words to the saying "Wearing your heart on your sleeve."
This phrase in American culture translates to "You openly show your feelings or emotions rather than keeping them hidden"
To me specifically, I got this tattoo because, not only my love for band, "Stick to your guns" but I've never been afraid to show my emotions in big moments. When It's time to cry, cry. When It's time to show courage, be brave. Even when It's time to know your limits, you shouldn't be afraid to be vulnerable. This is a common theme you'll find in this article. I'm not saying i'm always some brave hero, in fact, I can be quite the opposite, but when it's time to act accordingly, there seems to be an automatic response within me to step up. I definitely got that from my grandfather and father growing up.
Finally picture time:
@ The Biltmore Los Angeles Hotel
I remember leaving with a bow, and an enormous adrenaline rush.
Surely it doesn't get any better than this right?
Eventually, we met the other talent, but this is purely in honor of Hikari, so another time and another place for recollection of the other players. However, I did meet the majority of the roster, and I will add that everyone was absolutely wonderful and so polite. My brother and I collectively met everyone if I recall correctly, with the exception of Yuka who sadly was pulled from the event after what I believe was an injury.
Me and my brother were so happy, packed up our things, and eventually ate a Chinese restaurant where the portions were SO ridiculously large that I felt like I was in the ghetto again. If you lived in not-so-nice neighborhoods, you know EXACTLY what i'm talking about, they are so generous with the portions that it's damn near impossible to finish. I'm certainly not complaining, i'm actually quite happy, it was a nice surprise especially considering I was so tired and hungry. We were both awake for over 24 hours at that point, and were purely awake off of adrenaline.
DAY 2: "DID YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY FAVORITE WRESTLER?"
On the way to the venue for day 2, I realized just how poor my Japanese was at the time, so I asked my brother who takes formal Japanese language courses how to say, "You're my favorite wrestler" to Hikari. I was so excited at the time, that I didn't even get to convey that to her quite yet. I was truly absorbing every moment and I was listening more than I was speaking. I had not been to Japan in over 5 years at this point, and I had completely forgotten to say a lot of phrases, instead of overcomplicating things, I thought, "Okay if I can convey at least that she's my favorite, I can spark more memories for the day"
My brother instructed me how to say it, and luckily with the help of me taking public speaking courses in middle school, I was able to memorize a phrase even in a foreign language in about 2 minutes, he basically instructed me to say
"プロレスの中で あなたが一番好きです"
This phrase can be roughly translated as, "You're my favorite wrestler" in Layman's terms.
So the time came around, and I got to meet her again, she instantly remembered me and addressed me by name despite the HUNDREDS of people she just met.
You have no idea how happy this made me, again, does it get any better than this for me?
There wasn't too much interaction this time, and I didn't want to be rude by holding up her line, so I kept it short and sweet. I told her what I had planned to say,
"プロレスの中で あなたが一番好きです!" (You're my favorite wrestler)
and she was thrilled again. I remember her saying in English"
"Wow really?"
Then I said yes, and named off other companies amongst the likes of Stardom, WWE, TJPW, AEW, ROH" I still remember her being so happy that I picked her to be her favorite.
Eventually we took our photo, I think she knew I had already bought everything off of her table yesterday, so I took out my Polaroid camera,
She said in English,
"Wow! High-tech!, and I said in Japanese:
"ああ、そうですね！インスタックスのモデルです"
which roughly translated to,
"Oh yes, it's an instax model" I asked her for a signature and received what would be my most prized possession at the time:
She also said she saw my tweet about my brother pulling out his phone during "Upperkick" and it was so cute, she described it as a "Movie" as opposed to a "Video" but I understood what she was saying. I appreciate her so much for trying.
That essentially wraps up day 2, but for day 3, I had planned to really make my impression by making a promise one day to her…this would eventually entail a lot of heartbreak and sadness, but I didn't know what the future lie ahead of me, so being the outgoing, positive person I was, I kept at it and pushed forward.
DAY 3: "Yakusoku"
The term "Yakusoku" in Japanese translates to promise.
It's kanji spells like this: (約束)
Same way you keep promises with your friends, family, or any sort of obligations. The feelings and interactions I was experiencing made me want to set some new goals in life. That new goal blossomed to me after Day 2:
I want to see Hikari Noa wrestle in Japan one day
What made day 2 different from day 1? Well… nothing really, but the accumulation of inspiration, joy, and excitement truly did build up collectively to help me see that new goal.
On day 3, I said to myself, "Why don't I share a promise with Hikari?" So I got back in line, and immediately she remembered me again. I felt like at this point "God was throwing me a bone" I asked for more photos, and I remember something so embarrassing, I asked for selfies this time, because I didn't have any. For some reason, she came UP REALLY CLOSE to my phone and face, i'm guessing out of excitement, and SHE SAW THE BACKGROUND ON MY PHONE OF US. (it was the photo we had taken on day 1)
She goes,
"EHHHH???? SURPRISE!!" (In English)
My face was so so so red. I basically turned into a tomato and said,
"あーはい!" which roughly translates to "ah, yes!"
I quickly pulled out camera, and decided to take photos… Her face was so close to mine, and I got extremely nervous. I COULD NOT hold my camera straight. So I had to embarrassingly take a lot more, but she insisted that I keep taking more, so I was really happy. Call me a fanboy, but this was honestly what I was feeling at the time, and if there's ever a time to be vulnerable, now is the time. Here are the photos I took:
At this point, I was so happy, happy beyond belief. Unsurprisingly, day 3 of Wrestlecon isn't as packed. The main events are finished, most big name talents leave, and it's noticably not as occupied. So… I took it upon myself to tell her my promise. The conversation went as follows:
"あーひかりさん!" (Ah Hikari-san)
"あえてうれしい、いつかまたお会いしたいです ( I'm happy to see you, I hope to see you again one day)
The translations are rough, but I got my feelings across, and I tried to convey a promise. I can't exactly remember what I said, but this notepad text was left on the notepad section of my phone. I was so nervous at that point, but I admittedly had to pull out my phone and read that to her. The response I got was actually in English…She said,
"PERFECT!" and clapped her hands in joy.
At that point i'd least like to imagine that she understood where I was coming from with my promise. One final thing that happened was that she tried her best to convey her feelings of gratefulness to me she also said in English, and in Japanese.
"See me, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ありがとうございます!!! (Thank you so much)
Then I remember she said, "Kuraido? Thank you!!"
Then I said, "Ah Hikari-san, Kai…OK" followed by a thumbs up.
I didn't think she'd remember my name change, but somehow… she did, i'll get into that later, but for that day, and slightly before that interaction, I ended up getting a signed Shikishi board, and I remembered she gestured to me, "You want me to sign the ENTIRE BOARD???" and gestured back, "oh yes, the ENTIRE BOARD please" She gave me a big grin, and signed with the big smile:
I understood the gist of what she was saying from what I mentioned previously. She was so joyful, and I still remember her face, it was like she was pleading out of gratefulness. I gave my final bow, and showed the utmost gratitude. After seeing all the photos online, (and in retrospect) there were very few people that saw any of the SAME TALENT all 3 days, but I wanted to make a good first impression, and I wanted her to remember me next time whenever that may be. Well… as you'll find out, it certainly paid off.
I remember making a ton of friends that day as well. There would even be people that recognized me as well later when I came back to Japan, and at later wrestling events. (Spark Joshi, Kitsune, TJPW Combat Princess)
Some of those people I hadn't formally met, or would meet at a later time, some being my good friends online and in real life, Zak, Rocky, Via, and Fury just to name a few. If any of you guys are reading this, I appreciate you guys, seriously. I know I don't see or talk to you guys every single day, but when I do, it's always a good time.
Furthermore, that concludes the TJPW Los Angeles event, it still, to this day, is one of my favorite events i've ever attended, and has left an everlasting mark on my mind.
PRE-COMBAT PRINCESS
There were 2 major events, and even something that happened on social media right before Combat Princess that I felt were pretty pivotal before the event. I'll keep it short considering how much detail I tend to go into each and every event.
My brother visited Japan - Which in turn motivated me to also eventually go. A specific event would motivate me even further: When he went to meet Hikari, she asked where I was. I was so happy to hear from my brother that she asked about me. My initial goal to make a really good first impression. So judging by that interaction, I had been largely successful. Below is the 1-shot photo he took when he went to go meet her, and when she mentioned me.
Free Wi-Fi had become tag champions - I remember watching the event live online and with so much excitement. Getting to witness my favorite wrestler become champions alongside one of my other favorites was a dream come true as a fan. To be frank, I stayed up so late, and missed my alarm clock to get to work on time. All in all, completely worth it, it's not everyday my all-time favorite wrestler becomes a champion. Besides, I'm rarely late to work anyways.
When Combat Princess was announced, I noticed they weren't quite on the roster to perform, but I was enthralled just attend an event. Finally on October 28th… it happened though. I was so happy that I had tweeted about it. I even had the idea of making more t-shirts and even a banner this time around.
OH MY GOD, I BOUGHT MY TICKET IN ADVANCE NOT KNOWING IF THEY'LL BE AT THE SHOW, BUT I'M SO GLAD I DID. OMG I'M SO HAPPY THEY'RE COMING BACK TO THE STATES, LET'S GOOOOO 😭🛜#tjpw #freewifi#乃蒼ヒカリ #角田奈穂#combatprincessusa https://t.co/6ZP2MruPUk
— UP UP BOYS | KAI (カイ-カイ!) (@uub_p_KAI) October 29, 2023
Something worth noting that I saw, and that will play a pretty important role in meeting Hikari again will be this photo:
It's a screenshot I had taken out of pure excitement when Nao Kakuta (Her tag team partner) liked the photo of the banner and sweater I had posted.
Her liking the photos isn't what the important part was, in fact at this point, all the players notice me every time I post photos of/with/about them. But you'll see why this is so pivotal.
COMBAT PRINCESS USA
My brother and I were early for once to the venue, I remember meeting a lot of wonderful people on the internet there. Chef Niku, Via, H0ewings, ShADoWxNoBODy, utopia_szn, Kawa_Joshi, I even got to see Rocky and the gang again as well. I was welcomed by a lot of familiar faces i've seen on twitter, but never actually seen in person. I remember getting up to the venue, and the view was quite nice. If anyone remembers the rollercoaster of events that happened, Prestige was supposed to hold the event at the Globe Theater several times, and had to book it someplace else completely at the last minute. However, to their credit, the venue was really nice.
There is a ton to recollect here in terms of the matches, but again, I'm keeping a focus on a certain somebody here. To be honest, I've always had faith in Hikari winning a belt again eventually, I just didn't think i'd ever have the opportunity of seeing her win one so quickly, and even defend her belts in the states. I honestly felt like I was being spoiled!
I won't go too much into the match details, but I will say… she was made for a belt. She looks so natural wearing it and the absolute jovial state I was in, got me crying when her theme music hit. The Free Wi-fi theme is amazing. It saddens me in retrospect that we may never hear the full version, but the guitar, synths, and especially the pre-chorus when they say:
"電波良子ビビビビビ" (Denpa Ryoko Bibibibi) ) which is roughly translated to (GOOD SIGNAL) *followed by electronic noises* (In America, we call these Onomatopoeias)
That part specifically always gets me amped up and ready to cheer so loudly for her. I wrote the phrase on the banner at the bottom as well.
Something that really stood out to me was the ending of their V3 TITLE DEFENSE, was that Hikari won with a pinfall victory as well. There's something about the little details that make everything so much more memorable. The rest of the matches were a lot of fun, and seeing them cut their promos in English the best they could really made it truly memorable for an American fan like me. The fact they tried their best and could convey their emotions in their promos really stood out to me.
Unprecedented Goodbyes: My Final Moments with my inspiration
You might be asking to yourself….is it really the end? Well…I haven't seen her since then, and I don't know if I ever will, so as far as i'm concerned…this was it. I do have my hopes, but for the sake of this recollection, this was the last time, and I didn't even know it. It's sad in retrospect, but also joyful because... I had my final opportunity to make the best of things, and I did my absolute best to make it happen with zero regrets.
The best part is: IT DIDN'T STOP ME FROM MAKING IT THE BEST ENCOUNTER OF ALL.
The following interactions were done across the span of 1-2 hours maximum as opposed to the 3 days for Wrestlecon, so I did what I could to make it special. As previously mentioned, I had already made T-shirts and banners that Kakuta-san had seen on Twitter, so… why exactly was that so important?
Well when I met her again, she greeted me with such an excited hello! She even greeted me as "KAI-SAN" right away before I could even greet her first.
9 months had passed already by this point, and she's met at least a couple thousand people from all the shows she's worked, how did she remember me???
At that point, I truly did not question it, my happiness and joy was already through the roof, and there was one gift that I had given to her… A little bouquet of roses. My brother would quickly follow suit for Rika as well, but I originally had the idea. I had a hard time thinking of what to give her, I figured and asked myself, "What's something she could appreciate?" Well… I certainly have never met a woman that's never liked flowers as a present, so why not? It may seem cliche and outdated, but seriously…fellas especially, have you tried gifting a woman flowers? Ever? Try it, you'd be surprised how much they appreciate it. It's not even so much as a romantic sort of thing, I noticed even when I was in Japan and even in Thailand, when I return back to America I was gifted a lot of flowers to show appreciation for all my hard work and due diligence. Trust me, when I was a kid, and saw flowers being gifted, I thought, "These are kind of lame, they'll die and they just sit still" but as I got older, I learned to appreciate them. I enjoy flowers so much I even have 2 medium sized cherry blossom tattoos that go down both my arms.
Anyways, back to the interaction, I remember her getting her portraits, enjoying the sweaters, and even looking at the banner. When It was time for 2-shots, she let me take so many photos. I had so much happiness pent up inside me, she just kept wanting to take more and more and more. It made my heart absolutely explode with joy. Beforehand, I had actually given her flowers and she was so happy to receive them. She even looked at and read the note I had given her, and saw a picture of a Siberian Husky (Pictured above) and said:
"EHHH?? OKAYU???" then I replied "OKAYU-SAN!!" (Her dog)
She loved her flowers so much that when we took 2-shots, she had them in the photos too:
We took so many photos, but this one… stood out to me the most:
She actually asked me to take this photo, as if she was a fan, and I remember so vividly and fondly that she had made the fox sign with her hands: it looks like this:
I WAS IN SO MUCH SHOCK AND SURPRISE:
HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS POSE???? Well… she told me she had seen my twitter and wanted to recreate the pose with me…. At that point, I wanted to cry. I was so ecstatic, excited, and I could feel my heart ready to jump out of my chest. Think i'm joking, eh?
Well… Let's examine the two photos side by side…
Coincidence? Don't be silly, she had to have seen it! No one asks to randomly do this specific hand pose with you. To be honest, I thank Kakuta-san for this moment every time I think about it, it makes me wonder if she was so excited to show the banners and T-shirts made for them, that she might've stumbled upon the fanart my friend had made me eventually.
I felt like our energy was matching, when she did the handsigns. I really gave it 110% of my energy to prepare, and she was willing to do the same for me. I can still remember this moment like it was yesterday.
Another big part of the conversation was actually me telling her that I was planning to go to Japan, specifically to watch her Title defense against Dejimon, and her Deathmatch with Masha. If you guys remember, these were huge matches at the time of the announcement especially if you were a Hikari fan like me. So when I told her…. She was SO HAPPY. I'd like to translate every detail, but it was quite a bit to cover, but just know that I'll never forget her smile, excitement, because I kept my promise to her (Yakusoku) as previously mentioned all the way back from April. Do you think she remembers that I kept that promise to her? Maybe… maybe not, but the important part is that I was able to keep it, and honor my word of actually eventually going to Japan.
In retrospect, this hurt me a lot especially in the present day, but I am a man of my word, and I would eventually find my way to Japan.
Moving forward, I WAS SO EXCITED from what just happened, I forgot to get my banner and hat signed, but her line was so long, I figured i'd go say hi to the other talent as well. It was so nice to see Kakuta-san, Pomu-chan for the first time, and it was amazing to see Moka-san make her US debut as well. I'm so very proud of them!
Amongst the waiting, I had also ran into some friends:
I remember sometime after taking these photos…
I had a strange moment that lasted for no more like 5 seconds when I was waiting in line though, and after I had met everyone… I don't mean to sound selfish but… I thought….
"Hmm…. I didn't get my hat signed, Hikari is still here, and I didn't even get my banner signed… Let's run it back, because I don't know if i'll have an opportunity like this again"
I remember getting back in line, and she was happy to see me AGAIN, so this time, I had asked her to get the TJPW baseball cap and the banner signed. It was really cute what she wrote on the hat too. "No 1 like Noa"
I think she meant to write, "Hikari's No.1 fan" and you know… I'll take it. At least, that's what I gathered from it. Even if she didn't, I could feel what she was trying to say, and I appreciate her trying.
The funniest moment I had with Hikari also involved my brother:
When It was my brothers to meet Hikari, something so funny happened…
I specifically designed a t-shirt of his favorite wrestler, Rika Tatsumi, here is a mock up of the design.
So when it was time to take 2-shots, he decided to get snarky with me, and we said "辰巳リカ 最高です! no ふりーWiFi 最高です! When my brother took a pic with Hikari, I laugh and she says "Check the photo"
Rough translation to what I was saying with my brother. "TATSUMI Rika is the best" "No, Free Wi-Fi is the best".
When I checked my phone, I was laughing so hard, and for a brief moment I even saw her face….It looked like genuine laughter, and such beautiful laughter. It was then at that moment, I feel such a blissful level of elation that I didn't want the moment to end. I was able to enjoy the company of everyone taking photos, I was able to share laughs with such good freinds, and looking back… It was truly beautiful. Truly taking in every moment and making the best of it. If I could relive it… of course i'd do it again.
Another funny moment was: I didn't even have to ask for a photo with her and the banner, this WOMAN walked to the other side of the banner, stood it up, and just waited for me to hold it on the other side to take a photo.
She really just knows me too well.
After getting it signed, I remember asking for Kakuta-san who had already packed up. I remember she had asked one of the staff members to get her. I won't go into too much detail, but thank you Hikari for doing that for me… I didn't want to be rude, and I still remember this playful interaction you had with Kakuta-san you're such an absolute joy to have around. To be fair, I did buy a T-shirt when she came out, and I even got her to sign the banner.
By this time, it was time to say goodbyes, and I was so elated. I'm going to see Hikari and Free Wi-fi matches in Japan! Before I get into that, here were more signed items that I had received from the event and I final message before going on:
My Final Photo With Hikari
Do you happen to remember when I said something along the lines of, "I don't know when I'll have this kind of opportunity again" to myself in line, for those 5 brief seconds? Well… that was the end of Combat Princess, and that was the last time I saw Hikari Noa, my inspiration… There was no opportunity like that again, so i'm so happy I took advantage of it.
Considering what has happened over 6 months ago, and due to the official statement being out already, what could there possibly left to explain through all this? Well, I think there's actually a lot to be said. You see, despite everything that has happened, I'm still fighting for the best possible outcome. I don't mean I hope she comes back, or that she shows up in a different promotion, in fact, i've gone out on record by saying,
"I'm thankful and forever grateful for Hikari the player, but i'm more concerned for the safety and well-being for Hikari the person."
To be fair, i've been saying this since day 1 when Free-Wifi had to vacate their belts, and trust me i'll get to that very very soon.
I didn't know any of this was going to happen… I never wished any of this was going to happen, in retrospect, this was a nightmare for me especially me being on vacation and how I had promised Hikari that I wanted to see her.
December 30th, 2023
So let's get back to where I started, I just landed in Narita Airport in Tokyo, and by now you should understand what this all means to me. Hikari being my inspiration, my mindset and where i'm coming from, and how this played an enormous role on my return to Japan.
It all started with a little lady from Hokkaido. If you had told me that 5-6 years ago that PRO WRESTLING was going to be the main reason why I would come back to Japan, I would've probably not listened to you, or called you a crazy person. Again, at the time, I was all about anime and fighting games, I was super into nerd culture and collecting merchandise. Plus, I had a girlfriend in Japan at the time and I still have family out here, if anything those would've been my main reasons to come back to Japan, not pro wrestling.
So what happened that day?
This happened and i'm still devastated. I remember pulling up to my terminal exit, and being SO HAPPY I finally touched down in my second home after 5 LONG YEARS. I was so ready to get drunk off of some "Strong Zero" Alcohol, and I had people to visit. I came to see my friends I haven't seen in a long time, as well as some family that live here. But I see this:
【記者会見】ヒカリが体調不良で1・4後楽園＆1・6新宿を欠場、プリンセスタッグ王座は返上に。「返上を受け止めて自分の中でリセットしたい」（角田）https://t.co/xdJc1mb3Tt#tjpw pic.twitter.com/MtpUIoxe2r
— TJPW 東京女子プロレス (@tjpw2013) December 31, 2023
Free Wi-Fi has disbanded, Hikari was described as sick, and the matches I had promised to come and watch were cancelled… It was over. I can still feel the headache and heartbreak that had loomed over me. I remember going to the bathroom to take a deep breathe, and cry, I was in that bathroom for what felt like an eternity. At that point, my heart, mind, body, and soul were heavier than the bags I came in with. It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, but it was surely the longest 10 minutes I've ever felt. Yes I was in Japan, and YES I had so much to look forward to besides seeing Hikari's matches. I had planned to see my friends for the first time in 5 years, see my family members, and even planned to meet up with my friends on Twitter for the first time, but the event was in 5 DAYS, and my journey here was nearly a year in the making. The pessimist would see: I shouldn't get bent out of shape over 2 wrestling matches, and 1 person I can't see. However, the optimist in me hoping she would be well by then. You'll notice a pattern up until the announcement of her graduation, I was always thinking on the positive side, and never gave up on her. If you're thinking like the pessimist, well keep in mind that her wrestling is the reason why i've arrived back in Japan for so many years and second… you'd probably think my entire trip was in ruin, but in reality, this was one of the best trips of my life. I had the mindset that she would be well by at least her deathmatch, and at least I had something to look forward to. I know in retrospect that didn't happen, however, it was what got me out of that bathroom, and onto the train. I was still trying to make the best out of a bad situation.
In fact, my Japan trip could be described as:
Turning a single bad thought into unforgettable memories.
Now…. I won't recollect my entire Japan trip, because that is a journal entry of at least a months worth of writing. However, there were so many key points that stood out to me, and there so many people in Japan that were so kind to me. I think it's pivotal and important considering the loss I was experiencing. So here are the main memories and people that helped me in Japan, some of them I gave different names for privacy reasons.
But before I get into that, I still represented my favorite wrestler to the end. I wore more custom-made shirts, and even bought her merchandise to show my support. If I couldn't buy her merch at TJPW shows or meet her, I still was going to do everything I could to show my support and enthusiasm for my favorite player!
I wore this at the Ittenyon show!
My support is and will always be undying.
Key Memories & People in Japan:
Yuki-san - When I met Yuki-san he gave me such a warm welcome to Japan, he had also met me several times at several TJPW shows. The ones in Shinjuku Face, and Shinagawa Prince Hotel Club eX. He has such a kind heart, and really helps all the foreigners here. He had even helped my other foreign friends. He gave me so many gifts, and I instantly forgot the sadness I was feeling when I met him.
Yuki-san is a big fan of Toga, so I used the ice stickers!
Kazu-San, Via, and Writing letters - Funny enough, when I met Kazu-san, he said hello to me and called me by name after the Jan. 4 show. I remember being in Chiba, standing in Nao Kakuta's line for signed portraits. How fitting, especially since he's such a big fan of hers. I had NO IDEA WHO HE WAS, You'll quickly find out that there were SO MANY people that stopped to say hello to me that recognized me on twitter. (It was insane considering I had maybe less than 250 followers at the time.) I have never seen his face before, but with the help of my friend from the states and Via, he was able to look out for me. He's quite funny, and very helpful. Eventually he would play a role with me writing a letter to Hikari-san and Even Kakuta-san.
The letters - I had no idea that you could write letters to the TJPW talent… It was actually suggested to me by several Japanese fans that I had met because they knew had sad I was about the absence of Hikari. I just remember I was running out of time FAST and I had to figure out how to type a letter, find the addresses online (which was so hard for me, because once you touch down in Japan, when browsing the internet, some of the Japanese sites, STAY in Japanese, so you can imagine the nightmare that ensued for me) I had to buy proper supplies, and I even went to a Daiso to attempt and try to make it look pretty. I also had to figure out how to print documents at the local combini (convenience stores), and I even had to mail letters in Japan, all of that was a first for me, which was stressful, but I felt like I got a lot done. Also, while I did most of the work, with the help of Kazu-san, Via, and even Yuki-san I wrote a letter to the respective offices and specifically to Hikari-san and Kakuta-san. That entire process was a joruney, thanks Via for talking me through that. The feeling of victory that I felt when I finally sent that letter at the local post office was unreal, and I felt like such a winner when it was all said and done.
The gaijin I met in Japan - If you don't know what the term, "Gaijin" (Written like this "外人,") means, it means Non-Japanese or foreigner. It can even be loosely translated to outsider. As I mentioned before, there were several people from the states that I met. 5 of whom I met were Kevin, Zak, Brian, Jacob and Nat. All of whom I consider good friends now. I even saw 4 of them in Philadelphia for mania weekend. Thank you for accompanying me and cheering me up during my time of need. I was so happy to make friends with the locals, but seeing you guys was so memorable and cool. Thanks for covering my food tabs as well, and Kevin for the chocolates from Vietnam. I really felt spoiled and cared for. It was so funny seeing Jacob on my Twitter feed in Japan, then seeing him randomly in the streets of Shinuku. Also Zak, i'll never forget the time when you stopped me randomly at that fast food chain in Shinkiba. You guys are seriously such a big part of why I love this community. I also met other gaijins out there Sai, Claudio from Italy, and Jeff. Thank you all for being so kind to me as well, it felt really comforting when I got overwhelmed practicing Japanese so much. There were a handful of others, but I'll save that for another blog post.
Kobori-san and my late night curfew - After I attended the COLORS_GPU show, I got a random DM on twitter from Kobori-san. He had asked me if I was willing to travel from Shinkiba (1st ring) to Shinjuku for drinks. If I recall correctly, it already was around 6PM-7PM, and I told him I had to be home by 12 AM because my host's neighborgood curfew was 1AM, but I ended up staying at a tightly packed bar called Ciello. I think that was the name, I had a lot of fun however. His English was amazing, and he even covered my bill for all the drinks and food I ordered. Funny enough, we did not leave that bar until I think 4-5AM in the MORNING. I was so tired, and I ended up seeking refuge at a nearby Mcdonalds. That had to be the most delicious Big Mac I had ever eaten considering my fatigue. Next time I see you Kobori-san I owe you dinner!
Ash - Remember the translators that helped me with my Japanese during Wrestlecon in 2023? Well, I was lucky enough to hang out with one of them. When I met Ash in Japan, he was helping me look for BBM cards, and I was desperately looking for Hikari's autograph cards. We ended up walking around Akihabara and played Street Fighter 6. Thanks for kicking it with me, it's always a good time with you. I still can't believe the policies on cars in Singapore! I didn't believe my friend when he told me, but it still boggles my mind that I got confirmation from you. It was awesome hearing first hand accounts of what it's like to work for a promotion like DDT.
TJPW Players & Local Fans - I won't go into too much detail considering the damage that has been done, but there were a few players on the roster and few Japanese fans that really gave me sympathy for Hikari's absence. So if I met you in Japan, and you just so happen to be a TJPW player or a fan of wrestling in general that gave me your regards… Seriously… thank you. It was rough for me, but I received so much support.
My Japan trip was still so memorable and amazing, despite what had happened. There's SO MUCH I did not include, I have had some of the most wild memories, met some of the most memorable people, but for now, I'll keep that private and maybe in a different blog. However, let me thank my roommate who had housed me for the majority of my trip. You were so helpful, and gave me a place to stay. Even though I had not seen you for 5 years, you took care of me like I had never left, let me eat of your fridge, and helped me translate so much when I was in Japan. I want to also thank the random delinquents who said hello to me, in the streets. I know it was a strange experience being offered cigarettes by strangers, but I appreciate your gesture… even though I didn't accept any, your company made me feel less alone. Also, the crazy gaijin in Roppongi, whom I will not name. I don't think i'll ever see you again, but you randomly coming up to me, and giving me such strange live advice was so funny, and felt so refreshing amongst my despair. Also the neighbor of my roommate at the time, who spoke English surprisingly and was from Taiwan. Lastly, let me thank all the TJPW wrestlers who I met as well. You all were so kind, heartwarming, and a special thank you to the ones who even knew who I was before formally meeting you. I will reveal that a later blog post. Thanks for the memories though, I will mention more at a later time!
117 days
That's how long it took before the official announcement of Hikari's departure from the company and from the day I returned home to the states. So what exactly did I do? Well… amongst those days, I was very sad, and went about my daily life. I even went to Philadelphia for the TJPW show. However, since this is about Hikari, I will briefly mention that I kept showing support online through my T-shirt designs, I wrote her a letter, and I even gifted her a few things. Here are some images that you may have seen already, but were pivotal in showing support.
How fitting because I did indeed feel the heartache
This was one of many T-shirts I designed in those 117 Days
She had heard about the news, and I told her I was sad about not being able to take a 2-shot With Hikari, so she drew it for me.
It was the 2-shot I never got…so my friend made it for me.
I will always appreciate this kind gesture.
I've always wanted this T-shirt, and I had my roommate find it for me
Some plushies, A keychain of her favorite (Jun Kasai, which I bought two to match with her), A handwritten letter, and typed letter in Japanese, and some Piplup earrings.
I gave these to a staff member at DDT, I really hope it got to her, I spent a pretty penny on these.
I would briefly touch up on the Philadelphia trip, but nothing too significant happened to be honest in terms of Hikari. However, I will mention that there were more TJPW players that noticed the tshirts I was wearing of Hikari and they gave me their regards. Thank you so much to one in particular, that profusely apologized to me, and thank you to all the players I met again, you were all so sweet and considerate.
Also, I will post these photos since I am here:
Thanks for kicking it guys, much love to all of you.
The First 72 Hours: My very human, vulnerable response to the feeling of loss & The Official Departure of Hikari Noa
I… still remember what I was doing when before the news hit. I was actually making a tribute video of Nao Kakuta for her retirement video. My eyes were growing extremely weary, and I needed to take a break from staring at a screen for so long. I walked downstairs to get water, it was around 11:55 PM, and I actually was ready to sleep. I figured i'd pick up where I left off after I finish some homework tomorrow morning on my day off… However, I was met with the most discouraging news that left me feeling cold and soulless when I finally went to rest my head…
乃蒼ヒカリに関するお知らせhttps://t.co/l3cQb3XsfP#tjpw#アプガプロレス
— TJPW 東京女子プロレス (@tjpw2013) May 19, 2024
My inspiration, the woman I come to know and admire all this time, the reason I am even writing this long article, had departed from the companies she had worked so hard for the last several years. At first I was in denial by making this post:
My heart Is extremely heavy, but I just wanted to say thank you for being my favorite wrestler, thank you for the amazing memories, and I'm really happy I could hold onto hope until the very end. I had a feeling you wouldn't return, but Thank you for everything Hikari Noa 💙🫰 https://t.co/QaIdcNcVSc pic.twitter.com/IkCHaNd4FJ
— UP UP BOYS | KAI (カイ-カイ!) (@uub_p_KAI) May 19, 2024
What I said was genuine and from my heart, but in reality it was much darker than what I had conveyed. I did my best to keep a face, but everyone and their mother knew how I was really feeling and what I was bound to do… I grabbed a beer, sat OUTSIDE in the cold, and drank a Kirin Strong from Japan, grapefruit flavored. I HATE GRAPEFRUIT, but at that moment, it was the most delicious, comforting sustenance I was consuming. Keep in mind it was already 12 AM in the states, so it was freezing outside. I allowed myself to feel human, and I even got a small buzz off of the alcohol. In that single moment, oddly enough I didn't feel like I had failed, but it was actually the opposite. So many people speculated that it was bound to happen, but I truly did not believe it would happen even amongst the rumors and negative fanfare. Ask anyone that knows me in this community and how I really felt about this woman. I kept the faith, I was a driving force of hope, and I feel like I was doing my best in Japan, on the internet, and even in Philadelphia to be keep screaming Hikari Noa's name amongst the deafening silence that was keeping most of us hopeless and broken about her return. I did EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD. Even in this moment, I am still standing strong at least for the safety, health, and happiness of Hikari. I think that's why there was no feelings of defeat. Of course I was sad, I cried, hell, i've been doing nothing but crying since then. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. If I am unashamed to show support at a maximum level, then why should I feel ashamed when experiencing loss? There is no shame in losing, especially when I gave it my all. I am in an extremely vulnerable and sensitive state, but that's okay, we all feel that way eventually for our own personal reasons. I think quicker you can admit that, the quicker you can heal. I remember going downstairs to get water, walked right past my brother, and he asked me what was going on, he checked his phone, and he gave me a hug while I cried.
I guess… to show my colors even further for the sake of really showing you how I felt… have you ever felt the shock of receiving news of something you didn't expect? It's not quite like death, that's an entirely different level. Let's kick it back a notch to where you're dealing with pain, but eventually you will overcome it within a shorter amount of time. Let's say, getting fired from a job, or getting cheated on. I've never been fired from a job before, but i've definitely been cheated on in a relationship. I'd say about 95% of us have, that have been in a relationship. It's just enough to to make us feel horrible, but not quite enough to put our lives in danger in a direct manner.
I would compare it to that, that's what I was feeling. You're not dealing with anything life threatening, but it's enough to make you FEEL something. That FEELING is enough to make us feel extremely numb, and mortal at the same time. Failure, betrayal, and definitely sadness. I know I wasn't getting cheated on in this scenario, but the initial shock, me being unable to sleep properly, and even me having trouble eating was all there. I couldn't bring myself to eat properly, and I believe I only slept for about 3 hours in about 3 days. I also spent a lot of time showering, just letting the water rain down on me, just to feel something. It was that bad. Some of you reading this may think i'm overreacting, and you know… I won't argue your point, but again I am not ashamed, and I'm willing to bet 100% of us have felt this type of feeling before. If you haven't, I promise you, you won't be so quick to judge when it's your turn to feel what I am feeling, and it will happen eventually. All the time, energy, investment, love, support, all the new people I met, all the new places i've seen were because of this woman.
That ambitious woman from Hokkaido.
So what exactly did I do within the last 72 hours? Well, actually I had a deep desire to celebrate her career despite the pain and confusion I was feeling. There was so much going on in my mind, but I started by doing what I had always done within the last 5 months, and that was to somehow pay homage to her. I could not allow myself to feel defeated without occupying my time with something productive. I've already been here before, and doing absolutely nothing, is the worst decision when dealing with something like this. We've all been there too, our girlfriend or boyfriend cheats on us, we feel played and like a toy, and we just sit there and whimper. I'm not saying it's not okay to experience grief, but I did not allow myself to go out like that, I got my ass up, and looked up videos on how to make a short film, and finally decided to write a blog post about the woman who gave me life again. This very article that you're reading is my very human response to emotional pain and expressing my joys about someone very special to me. Truly a 1 of 1 type of person, Hikari Noa. I produced the video "Chasing Solace" In honor of her entire career. I watched this footage hundreds of times, and it conveys the emotions and lyrics, "This can't be the end" due to my denial and pain of dealing with the current situation I am currently dealing with. It celebrates all of her career, while also expressing my sorrows in a melodic manner.
So… What Now?
It’s 7:44 AM in the states, and I will continue to do what i've always done which is keep supporting her, but also honor her with my achievements in life. She has joined the ranks of my favorite athletes, inspirations, and very important people to me even in real life. I very well may never see my inspiration again, and I can feel all the stress making my physically ill just from that thought alone….
However…
I won’t let it stop me from telling the entire world how important Hikari Noa is to me. I didn’t know she would graduate from TJPW, I didn't know it would prolong such an unfavorable outcome, I didn’t know how SHOCKED I would be despite such a seemingly predictable outcome to so many others,
But look at me…
I’m still going and i’m trying my best… I NEVER GAVE UP NO MATTER WHAT SITUATION I WAS IN. I ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD with a smile on my face, depended on a little luck, and gritted my teeth with all the effort I could possibly exert. I’m crying… i’m hurt.. But the important thing is, i’m getting stronger, and I am NOT STOPPING. Look at how happy I was in Japan, Los Angeles, and even in Philadelphia, it was in large part, because of her. Despite her not even being there half the time. Like so many people that inspire me in life, she is responsible for me moving forward.
THERE ARE 3 MAIN REASONS WHY I WROTE THIS ARTICLE:
Pay my respect and give my flowers (literally and figuratively) to the woman that I admire and that has opened so many doors for me
I want to touch the hearts of many and show people that there is still hope out there, if my suffering and distraught sadness can change your life even in the smallest way, I feel like I'm doing a service to the people that have done the same for me.
Closure. I truly do not know if she'll ever return to the ring, any form of agency, but her returning to wrestling is not what's important right now. I was in denial that I didn't want closure for the longest time, and look at how unpredictable, joyful, sad, and even fruitful this experience was for me because I had never received it. Personally speaking, I wanted to get my feelings out on paper so I can move on with the next phase of my life. I've been bottling in these feelings for the past 5 months, and now that I finally have written and officially statements that she's no longer in TJPW, I can push forward like the freight train I know that I can be and truly live without every wondering what is going to happen, with the fear of uncertainty haunting me. I'm certainly not saying I won't ever stop being a fan, in fact it's the opposite. Hikari Noa has given me so much to look forward to, and I will do everything not only in her honor… but in honor of anyone that's every made me feeling ambitious, loved, and even put me first in front of their own well-being.
If you really think i’m still being dramatic at this point, well let’s look at it from a different perspective, with a different sport, with an entirely different type of fanbase…
As previously mentioned two athletes that really resonated with me growing up were Manny Pacquiao and Kobe Bryant. One was a countryman that quite literally stopped crime in the streets when his fights were televised, put an entire country on notice, and broke records with several weight divisions. On top of that, he represented my country of the Philippines which made it more personal and inspiring. The other was a 5 time NBA champion, with 2 Finals MVP’s, and was even known for winning one of most coveted awards in film when he wasn’t in the industry (An Oscar). At one point, he was even regarded as the best basketball player on the planet. In terms of athletes, these were far beyond the upper echelon, they were truly 1 of 1’s and even went beyond being athletes. They inspired the millions of people that watched them, they had their adversaries respect them, and will be talked about for generations to come. So… what exactly happens when these players retire, or in Kobe’s case, pass away?
Well for me, personally speaking, I stopped watching boxing altogether when Manny retired, I would tune in every now and then to see the hot prospects, but the sport simply wasn’t even the same anymore to me. Unlike wrestling, some performers are able to perform well into the later years of their career, however with a sport like boxing, it’s cut by a significant margin.Injuries can be far more severe, long term brain damage can occur, and instead of the “Slow burn” that wrestling brings, boxing is a lot more spontaneous and instant when it comes to long term injuries.
In terms of Kobe, well, it was much deeper. After he had passed,I initially thought it was some kind of sick joke made by the tabloids. To be honest, most people did, the source from which it came from was known to make jokes, and will do anything to get a reaction out of people. However, when he passed, I remember trying to lace up my old basketball shoes, and crying on a nearby basketball court, remembering why he was even the reason why I picked up a basketball. For those of you that don’t know he suffered a tragic plane crash that killed him, his daughter, and several other people. Losing Kobe Bryant took a giant piece from me. He was my favorite basketball player growing up, and seeing one of my heroes completely erased from existence was devastating and still has an everlasting scar on my mind everytime I pick up a basketball. I watched so many of his games growing up, I watched this man suffer, and I even watched him when his team was going through his hard times.
So…i’ll ask you one more time, what exactly happens when these players retire, or pass away? It takes a giant piece away of us, especially if it was rooted into our identity or daily life. You stop tuning into the teams they play for, the sport they play, and for some of us you don’t even turn on your TV or laptop altogether to watch anything. So for me… although I enjoy pro wrestling so much, and it has inspired me to do better as a person, well… it’s simply not the same without Hikari Noa. She brings something so unique to TJPW, she has energy that only she can generate to her fans, and to be honest… she’s my 1 of 1 wrestler. No one will truly even come close to being like her. So after considering all the interactions you just read about us, I'm sure it’ll give you an idea of what this ordeal means to me.
If you've reached the end of this article, I truly want to say thank you so much. This has been like a parasite festering and rotting within me since December… I've loved, I've lost, I've laughed, I've smiled, I've shouted, I've done everything I can to keep myself busy and surviving. Even aside from being a wrestling fan, i've had the most difficult and distressing moments, but also the most joyous and beautiful memories with my newfound friends.
"Despite Everything,It's Still You"
All in all, I want to show everyone the new Kai I plan to be, and that I won't let loss, pain, or even trauma plague my mind any longer with the ability to stop progressing my own goals in life. I know what i'm saying might sound dramatic to a lof of you, but these are the first-hand accounts of what I was going through, and they are very real and human. It's completely different to hear about someone undergoing an experience, than to actual live that experience yourself. It humbles you, and makes you feel extremely exposed. However, I just wanted to pay my respects. I want to overcome this specific pain, and be able to tell the story of how I was able to use the support of others and my perseverance to make it in life. If you’ve messaged me within the past 72 hours as of May the 19th, since the official announcement… I seriously appreciate you so much. There's so many of you to list, but you all know who are, and just know you've earned my respect even further for reaching out to me in my time of need. All the discord messages, all the Twitter DM’s, all the phone calls I had even received were all so heartfelt and seen. I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends by my side. I even had people message me this morning just to make sure I ate something and have been sleeping properly again. IF that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.
In closing, I want to become a new person through this painful, yet fruitful experience, and in the end, when it's all over, I want to able to shout Hikari Noa's name as she has inspired me to become stronger time and time again. If you ever see this Hikari, or anyone on the TJPW roster, I just want to say thank you for helping me become a stronger person, and again, I want to show you the new and improved Kai.
On a more personal level: Thank you for everything Hikari Noa. I hope that we cross paths again. I will never forget you, and I will keep supporting you no matter what you decide to do in the next phase in life. Thank you for all the joy, memory, humor, smiles, and support.
I appreciate your time today, take care of each other, and I love you all.
With love,
-UP UP BOYS | KAI
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