Embraced in the rhythm of the Earth

It was heavily raining yesterday, raining like cats and dogs during the morning and afternoon. I needed the rain to let my piled-up emotions run out of my body quietly and to bring my tears away, without noticing anyone, to go with them. Rain stopped by the time Miyu and Koreto came back home. While I went out in the evening, I saw a very thin crescent smiling at me. Bulan sabit yang nipis sekali, shining like a beautiful gem. And yesterday S20C call was all about movement/moon.

I had conversation with 3 groups of women yesterday. They were all very powerful and deep conversations. I felt I was held deeply and gently, and they showered me with subtle but steadfast energy to awaken me. I felt as if I were a pupa, feeling my transparent skins falling off with those beautiful and gentle words to slowly get ready to transform into a butterfly. Perhaps first time I glimpsed what evocative leader means. This is my memo to remember a part of those beautiful conversations.

There are at times constant battles in my head. While cognitive functionality of my brain understands and accepts that as a way forward, at times my soul cries out with emotions having no places to go. For example, at Nagpur in 2014. When visiting Ganga Jamuna, an infamous red light areas at the belly button of India where intergenerational sex trafficking is the core of their daily business and girls as young as 13 are commercially sexually exploited, we were told about 3 girl children held captive at a woman's flat. They were trafficked from de-notified tribal areas and worked as domestic help with physical torture, waiting for their puberty to come and go for sale as a prostitute. My soul was in rush to call for the police and arrange for their rescue. While cognitively I understood that I as an outsider should not and cannot destroy the interwoven human relationships within the red light areas and that my role is to strengthen the system in those areas with endogenous power of communities, rather than impulsive rescues, I was left with tremendous feeling of helplessness and anger and complex emotions of not being able to rescue them. After going back to the hotel, I cried and screamed in my dark room as if I had gone mad. When I tried to put on the light, it caused short-circuit and the entire hotel went blackout. 

Similarly, when I got to know about my friend's daughter showing every possible signs for the rescue, it rang my bell inside my head that I have to do something. Under the name of "everything has a rhythm and everything has a meaning intended by the energy of the earth", how can I leave the situation not attended? Are you asking me to turn a blind eye to her call for help? At the same time, my cognitive mind was gently telling me that I do not have enough skill or resources to help her out. Psychiatric medicine is already prescribed, and she is under the care of a professional psychiatrist, however indifferent the doctor seems to me. With my reactive impulsiveness to rescue her out, I have no right to mess up her already overwhelmed emotions. But that cognitive conversation inside my head did not help me to deal with overwhelming emotions stormed in my head. I was talking about it to WindEagle, and I felt I was held by her, as if she were the grandmother earth, while buffalo women, all sacred 20 counts energy. I felt embraced in her arms with such sense of safety. I let my tears run down as much as it wanted, spilled over the drain, mixed with rains falling down from the grandfather sky. Embraced with such powerful empathy and safety and sacredness and owe to all the energies. I realized that a part of me was lighter, healed by her embracement.

While I was listening to the tribe at night, they were talking about menopause. Womb in woman's body is the place of creativity. A life starts in womb, and it gets formed into another human being with the perfect protection by the womb, for the duration of 10 months. All are born out of women. No exceptions. While masculine energy is for intention and direction, femininity energy is for balance, prayer, nurturing and healing. After the operation, a woman lost the womb. And yet, body functions, as if the womb were still there. Feel the pain in the void where womb was supposed to be. Body remembers the energy of the womb. How reassuring it is! Someone will remember with so much emotion and care that I was there with full of the intrinsic energy born with me. What a deep relieve. WhiteStag talked about breathing. She feels she is a pipe and that is a meaning of her being on this earth. By inhale, she takes the energy from outside to cleanse inside the pipe, and through exhale she returns back what does not belong to her to the mother earth for her healing. She talked about living in alignment with the rhythm of the Earth. I used to feel that when I was living with Lg. Lamai community or apai dan indu dekat Kanowit (Sg. apa ya, nama kampung? dah terlupa....). Absolute energy and power of the nature, grandmother earth and grandfather sky, movement moon and star. In the current space where I am in, I have completely forgotten and lost the sense to tune myself into the rhythm of the Earth. I am obsessed as if I were omnipotent, humans were one and only dominant species, centre of attention, on this earth. That's the distortion. I miss feeling the energy of the mother earth, rhythm of the universe, with so much silence except the whisper from the sacred ancestors and spirits residing in the forest.

I still do not have words to express "this is the mix of essences to make one evocative leader", but yesterday's sacred experience with wise women is now whispering into my ears, "Tomomi, life is beautiful. Open your eyes and ears and go for exploration with all the energies surrounding us".