Reflections from Berlin: A Journey of Emotion and Art

My 15 days in Berlin were truly special. The landscapes I witnessed, the culture I touched, and the encounters I had with people left a deep imprint on my soul, all captured in 550 photographs. The freedom I felt in that city, combined with a hint of solitude, sharpened my perspective in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

However, the days following my return to Japan have been a stark contrast to the tranquil moments I experienced in Berlin. The stillness I felt there has seemingly faded into the background, replaced by a flurry of activities and moments of anxiety.

- Chaos and Challenges After Returning

Immediately after returning from Berlin, my mind was filled with the photos I had taken. I contemplated how to compile them and share my worldview, wondering which images would resonate most powerfully and gently with others. As I mulled over these thoughts, I faced the reality of needing to prepare for my upcoming exhibition.

Initially, I was excited. I looked forward to sharing my photographs and the emotions I had experienced in Berlin. However, I quickly realized that the reality was much tougher than I had anticipated.

In the unique environment of a hair salon, I was faced with the demands of “luxury,” “delicacy,” and “elegance” set forth by the salon owner. He asked me to revise my works and everything for sale to meet these standards. What had once felt like artistic freedom now felt like constraints.

In Berlin, the raw textures of the streets and the unguarded expressions of its people served as a testament to beauty in its most genuine form. In contrast, the salon environment required everything to be polished and perfect, raising doubts about whether I could truly express myself in this space.

- Confronting Bipolar Disorder

Adding to the stress was my recent experience with bipolar disorder. I had been hospitalized for a month in May, and now I struggled to maintain my mental and physical balance while preparing for the exhibition. Every day felt like a chaotic shuffle between my apartment and my family home, leaving my mind in disarray. Fatigue was weighing heavily on me, and I often found myself questioning how much longer I could keep up.

Just yesterday, I received a message from the owner informing me that one of the displayed works had fallen. With each mishap, I felt the pressure mounting. I’ve held several solo exhibitions before, but this one was different. The demands of the salon environment made it feel as if I was constantly having to revise my approach, and I was exhausted by the mental strain.

Moreover, the owner’s recent feedback about the handmade price tags being “too rough” was particularly disheartening. I believe there’s beauty in the uniqueness of hand-drawn items, yet he couldn’t see that. Each instruction to alter my expression felt like another piece of me was being chipped away, leading to emotional fatigue.

- Believing in Myself

Despite these challenges, I remind myself that I must have faith in my abilities. I want to share my work with as many people as possible through this exhibition. I hope my photographs resonate with others and bring them the same joy they brought me.

Though there have been many tough moments, I am genuinely grateful for the support from my friends, Namba and a college student who used to be my student. Their help during the setup yesterday was invaluable, and without them, I may not have reached this point.

Yet, I struggle with the fact that I couldn’t pay them for their help. My financial situation is tight, and I feel guilty for having them work for free. They jokingly suggested buying something luxurious, and I felt a pang of guilt as they expressed their consideration for me.

- Final Thoughts

My goal is to convey the beauty I found in Berlin and share it through this exhibition, no matter how small the space or how many constraints I face. My photographs are deeply important to me, and I want to share them with the world. That’s why I’ve pushed through the difficulties.

However, I won’t deny the anxiety that accompanies me. Will this exhibition be successful? Will I be recognized as a photographer someday? I often question whether my efforts have any real value.

Still, I know I must move forward. My photographs encapsulate my essence, and I hope they can reach someone’s heart.

If you’ve felt anything from reading this, I invite you to visit the exhibition. How you feel about it will mean everything to me.

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