Where I am.

There is a Daruma, Buddha, Matryoshka and “Hi” on my desk. We play a staring contest daily; A Blue Daruma that doesn't have an eye or eyes, a silver Buddha with a stoic expression, a Matryoshka doll that looks like a Kokeshi doll, and a rock painted “Hi.”

Each one of them is given to me, among them, Buddha is the oldest one. Buddha keeps me calm and serene, but I am trying to figure out what it all means to me and to my life. I’ve been looking at its stoic face and tuning all my senses to feel something...but as of today, I haven’t figured out any clues. As for the blue Daruma, there should be at least one eye… This has been an unusual struggle for me, since I’ve been goal oriented up till … mmm… lock down had started. Since then, my life, like many others, has been altered forever. I hit rock bottom. (no pun intended.) I haven't been able to quite recover from the impact that I experienced emotionally, albeit I have been feeling a little bit better this year. Therefore, daruma has no eyes. (yet).

When Matryoshka was given to me and I held it in my hands, I thought it was a miniature kokeshi doll. Then I saw a section, so I opened it.. There was a second layer, and the third one… (I didn’t know Matryoshka’s design originated from a Japanese kokeshi doll. There! I have learned something new.) I keep opening this doll, trying to dig deeper into my inner self at the same time. Unfortunately, there are only three layers, and that is the end of it. Still, I imagine what is in the invisible fourth and even fifth layer….however, I can’t get there. I’m stuck here also…

Then one day, “Hi” came to me. I looked at it three times and the rock says “Hi”, so I say “Hi” back. Now it’s a two-way communication just saying “Hi” to each other. Surprisingly, it puts a smile on my face. :) We’ve been going through this communication for a while now. Then, I realized something. I still feel stuck in some way but, nowadays, I feel it’s okay not to have a goal because maybe this is the goal that I need at the moment: take time and open my senses to feel the ups and downs of life the way it is, to experience and feel something because I was numb and unable to even pretend to smile. So I am very grateful for “Hi” because of “Hi”, I am smiling.