guilty pleasure: afterword (of afterword)

解説
from different angles

p.2

0802 - August 2nd
0143 - 1_4_3 (i love you)
0703 - July 3rd
1012 - October 12th
1201 - December 1st
0606 - June 6th
1130 - November 30th  

birthdate (days) of someone who supported and encouraged me not only to write this magazine but also through four years of uni life in Okayama.

only "0802" is placed above "0143" which literally means that my feelings towards 0802 is above love (= like/has a feeling). This is my impulse kinda feelings and at the same time, determination to leave those feelings here (until senior year). let's have a new and fresh start.

why is only "IMG_1130.JPG" is marked as "×" is because he is not in my life anymore (sadly). we didn't fight 'officially' but he is now gone, and every process was just a mess. i dont get it and i dont give a shit. he is now gone from all of my social media, and we have no picture (anymore). that's why it only marked as "×" and has no picture there.

p.5

qr code (1)

this playlist has songs that ตอนที่ฉันอยู่ประเทศไทย (i listen to when i was in bangkok) (プレイリストのタイトル下の文そのまま抜粋)  and mostly songs i thought sounds pretty or somehow felt nostalgic. sometimes i asked my friends for title and artist. (or sometimes i used shazam).

but also, it has some ost(s) of thai drama(s) that triggers me to get into thai culture and everything. my real beginning. maybe when i was still 15 or 16.

i wanted to keep these songs as record, and of course, "for you to enjoy this magazine."

(lmk if you like any of those songs (^_-)-☆)

p.9

"We talked and I suggested to him, "what if you wear a uniform as a drag performer?"

the name of my first only apparel brand "what if"

p.16

you know who is in the biggest frame.

p.19

"Your Thailand Fantasy"

pretty much biggest reasons why i decide to do magazine kind of product as for my thesis is because of my unpublished first magazine "Men's Makeup - changing the meaning of masculinity -" for visual sociology class I took back in 2021. and there was a chapter called "living in girls' fantasy" and i wanted to have something similar in this magazine as well.

p.21

how many bois can u recognized in this page? LOL

p.23

QR code (2)

Mercury Goldfish. (p'john)
after the shooting (july 16), me diamond best and p'john went to home together by best driving, and he asked best to play one of his (mercury goldfish) songs which is in japanese. he told me he sang (covered) japanese song and actually sang in front of me. it was a good memory. LOL

p.28

Growing Pains

when I was thinking and working on this page (especially on chapter title), growing pains by alessia cara randomly popped into my ears. (i was listening some music obviously, but that time surprisingly not kpop but pop music haha..)

and this chapter talks about how everyone was growing up and adjusting their own style and perception towards thai uniforms, society, and whatsoever. so, i literally take this 'growing pains' as 成長痛 and named them after as a title of chapter.

p.37

actual screenshot of my iPhone voice recorder.  you can see when and how long I interviewed each person

p.54

"it was such an honor to explore Thailand's imagery like an insider while maintain the perspectives of an outsider"

(one of my) ig crushes wrote and used this sentence on their article and that fits how and what i wanted to describe. so i arranged some words and rephrase them to put into my afterword section.  

p.56

"lastly, someone who i used to like - for teaching me how to put my emotions into creativity works and always inspiring me in any better ways."

personally, i referred not only single person but a few here. there is one who i used to like (or maybe love or idk i was too young back then) but he was very creative, and he also helped me a lot on this research (before he disappeared from my life which i still dont get why but whatever… i dont give a fuck on this). he was also who i went to buy chula uniform with.

and another one is who i used to talk or maybe kinda had tiny crush on, and i though he also interested in me *awkward laugh* he was being asshole and selfish. i think he knew how i felt and only ask me to hang with him when he has no one. i was obsessed for around a month? and was so done with him. that time photo teacher assigned final project and i decided to make every experience with him as concepts of my final project. that's what i mean by "teaching me how to put emotions into creativity works".
i was very satisfied with outcomes of the final project and felt like "okay this might be what taylor swift feels like after releasing a song about her ex"

let me be a lil bitchy here. i dont actually thank them cuz they hurted me (a little, in some ways) (and maybe i hurt them too? idk but sorry in case) but they def influenced me some ways and wanted to keep those emotions here as me 'sarcasm-ly' thanking them "lastly".

and picture behind it, i took it when i visited thailand in 2019 before entering the university. since then, my biggest goal was to study in thailand and now making this (even finished making them) made me feel so proud of myself and grateful for every opportunities i had.

and i suddenly remembered why i hated school uniform and rules that much back in high school (or middle).
i decided to study abroad to the US when i was in 9th grade and i needed to ask my homeroom teacher (担任) for recommendation letter for study abroad organization. i first dyed my hair during summer break which against the school rules and that was after the summer break.
my homeroom teacher (i dont want to even call him "my teacher" but), he told me he has nothing to write (or recommend) on the letter for someone/a student who against the school rule like this (=me dying my hair).

okay bitch.

first of all, anyone, especially teacher shouldn't say something like "you have no good things" to a student. its bullshit. i was deeply hurt but next day i was completely fine cuz i knew it's no worth it to take what he told me and im way more worthy than that childish stupid asshole.

second, im a shining diamond.

third, it wasn't blonde, it was just a dark brown, chill.

forth, i still dont get why is dying hair is such big matter for students? i mean it has no relation to academic performance and i wasnt only one who dyed hair at school.

fifth, fuck you. and i will never forgive you.

anyway, since then, i really hated school rules including uniforms especially rules on appearances.
but again, thanks to him, he is obviously one of the reasons why i decided to conduct this project and research and you made me ten times stronger as one human being.

well, now you know why I named my thesis "guilty pleasure" right?

because this is one of my guilty pleasures.

Love,