How to make life suck less

Ah, if only I had the answer.

Today off-ing myself crossed my mind way too many times that I seriously considered contacting my psychiatrist to hospitalize myself. But instead, I popped a few tablets of minor tranquilizer as usual to numb myself so that I can stay at home and take care of my birds, work, and the chaos of moving coming up just in two days.

I'm not supposed to be unhappy. I'm young, healthy (aside from being depressed and having cancer), I have skills that can make me money, a roof over my head, and some savings in the bank that allow me to take a break from work for a while if needed. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful selfish mess.

I beat myself up thinking about people who have it way worse than me. It makes me hate myself for being stuck, not living my life to the fullest. I'm supposed to be capable, but right now, I feel anything but. But how dare I think about taking my own life, when, for instance, innocent children who would very much rather live are being killed in Gaza. 

Last night I was binge-watching self-help videos on YouTube and what one of the therapists (they all seem like they have it all figured out) said stuck with me. She said something along the lines of: don't mistake indulging in inaction as self care. That hit home. That is exactly what I'm doing. By lying in bed and doing nothing, as much as that is exactly what I want and need, nothing is getting better in reality. She advised that if you are in that state, start with small things, like getting up and clean up the kitchen. I was like, cleaning up the kitchen? Are you kidding? How is it a small thing? It is such a huge ordeal. So instead, I stayed in bed, mildly overdosed sleeping pills and forced myself to sleep. 

It's been 4 months since I was told I have stage IV cancer. I took the news rather well and remained relatively well-composed. Then for the past few weeks I have been virtually non-functional. I initially attributed this to my regular depression (due to being bipolar) but it is hitting harder this time. One of my friends pointed out that the action paralysis might be a trauma response, and I'm now leaning towards this theory.

In order to make my life suck less, I ought to see a therapist. It has been on my mind for a while, because I don't think I can do this alone any more. I don't have a strong support system. I live alone and don't have a partner. I am distant from most of my family. The only close family member is my sister but sharing my feelings with her is difficult. Most of my supposed-to-be-friends don't even check on me (I know they have their reasons and maybe they actually care, but in my book this cultural/behavioral difference is difficult to accept). I'm very lonely, and according to a plethora of scientific studies, being lonely is not good (who knew!).

I just want to be okay with myself. Right now, I am not okay. Finding a good therapist will be another challenge though. But it is a problem for maybe after I finish moving.