Recent

I just soend a boring days recently. Just doing the part time job and just sleep and just eat and just hang out. I understand how much this is substantial and enjoyable. But I just feel bored anywhere anytime.

That because I have a task to do job hunting. I don’t have any dream, I don’t have any ambitious, and I don’t have any vision for my life. Additionally, now I can’t feel a feeling a pleasure for my life. Some friends already start it and some friends already have the unofficial offer, normally I should hurry to do it but I don’t have it too.

I’m not sure why. Do I want to die again? Do I deep in the depression again like when I was junior high school student? Do I want to wait something for my life? I have no idea for everything.

Honestly I’m enjoying to do part time job because I have good coworker for every place. I’m doing a part time job at Hawaiian restaurant and cafe. Both I have a friend and both I have a good people to just spend a time. At restaurant, I’m an oldest person in students. So many people rely for me and many people bring many counsel to solve by me. I’m happy for that and I was able to grt the confident from there. And an employee is also good for everything. I don’t have any complain at there. And at cafe, I have many same age coworker. So firstly I fear for them because I’m not  active to communicate for anywhere and I’m too shy. But now I’m going well. I feel every people is good for everyone each other, and content of job is interesting. And I also have a crush at there. No complain, and I spend good time. But I’m not satisfied.

At night, I’m always afraid for my future. And I always make an effort to stop thinking. Because midnight is dangerous to thinking. Normally I’m negative person, so I think to turn for the worse and lose the confident. I think it is unproductively. So I’m always make an effort, but I think that is real intention. At outside I’m acting like positive person because it is comfort for my mental. But I’m not like that really. I just deep in the negative maze again. Just now I feel vacant for my heart.🥲