“I follow my own path”

For a long time, I haven't been able to wear what I want. I've faced too much criticism. When things get tough, I just crave comfortable clothes and shoes that don't constrict my body, like lightweight fabrics or cotton.

Even though my sense of style doesn't match the usual standards, I've put in the effort because I love it, avoiding criticism behind my back. Every night, I soaked in the bath, reading women's fashion magazines down to the smallest details. I've tried everything. I prefer clothes that fit my body well, so as my body changes, I've spent too much money.

Dressing feminine, or like a university professor, for the local climate, or for ceremonies. In other words, I've worked hard on things unrelated to what I want.

But now, looking back, I realize those efforts have toughened me up. For example, if I wear a leather jacket with volume, it would look odd not to wear slimmer pants underneath, and the footwear should have a decent amount of volume as well. Why? Because balance is like that. Balancing weight and lightness, length and shortness, and creating a sense of openness.

Regarding colors, I wear dark-colored items, but it's not all black. I hardly wear black. If I do, it's as an accent color. Overall, I tend to wear colors that are a mix of black, gray, and dark green.

Although they're dark, I mix materials and colors slightly. I usually incorporate an accent color, either as a single color or combining about three similar shades, and put it in one place partially. Coloring my hair reduces the effort I put into thinking about this. If I haven't dyed my hair, then it's the footwear. If neither applies, then it's a scarf. But I have to be careful not to end up looking like a "Dad scarf" or like wearing a bandana around my neck. It can switch to a small bag, but I have to consider the risk of it being stolen. Nail polish and accessories are also used appropriately.

Since I'm short, oversized clothing is generally difficult. I don't like things that obviously look like they're from a fashion show. I prefer street fashion.

However, when I dress the way I truly want to, I receive negative reactions, even in this large West Coast city. Why? Because of anti-social? What does being antisocial mean? In my case, is it because I'm obviously a dyke? Or maybe trans? Or obviously have dark brown skin?

I don't know why punk people dress punk, but I don't want to dress like a leather dyke to make a statement to society. I just want to be myself and dress the way I like.

For so long, I've tried to avoid receiving negative attention, or I've always thought about how much is too much to avoid unwanted attention. But I don't want to conform anymore, so I'm going to change where I live.

It seems like experiencing unpleasant feelings just by walking down the street isn't so common. With frowns, comments, scolding, laughter, ridicule, or simply being ignored.

But I follow my own path.

Despite that, there's a hidden pressure within me when it comes to expressing my another true self.

I don’t wear obvious kink on the street, the desire to adorn myself with harnesses, fishnet stockings with garters, and heals remains a secret indulgence. It add a spice to my private moments of life.