[10/11英検準1級ライティング復習]公共の安全の向上のために、より多くの取り組みが必要である。

ここひと月お世話になっていたボスニアの先生にライティングを
見ていただきました。

optimal(最適)ではないけど、decent(ちゃんとした)文章だといっていただきました(T_T)(T_T)　普段あまり褒めるタイプの先生ではないのですが、労ってくださり、私の英検で書いた回答文は、ひと月前に練習を始めた頃の清書のレベルだとコメントをくれました。嬉しかったです！！
この先生に会えた幸運に本当に感謝です。

ポイントのひとつであるTechnologyの使い方がトンチンカンかと思っていたけど、たしかに、良い意味で使うのもぜんぜんありなのですよね。

26日の発表まではっきりとはわからないまま。
でも、11/8に向けて二次試験の準備をすすめるのみ。
4コママンガをみて、30秒ずつナレーションをするのが肝らしいです。

◎TOPIC
More needs to be done to improve public safety.

◎POINTS
Accidents←I chose this.
Crime
Food
Technology←I chose this.

[ボスニアのB先生の添削後］
　　I think more should be done to improve public safety. I have two reasons to support my opinion.
　　First of all, there are many accidents especially caused by cars everyday. I think these accidents are related with (*be related withもありでした！10/13再確認する。) people's stress. If we decrease our working time, the society would not require to commute that quickly, that will lessen people's stress, which leads to a decrease in accidents.
　　Secondly, in terms of technological advancement, we should apply technology for public safety. Many cities have installed security cameras in public areas, which is efficient to decrease crime rates to some extent. More cameras and other technologies should be used in order to improve safety.
　　In conclusion, It is desirable not only for the government but also for companies and the people to do more to improve public safety.

[original..]
　　I think more should be done to improve public safety. I have two reasons to support my opinion.
　　First of all, there are many accidents especially caused by car (*移動手段を示す時はby carだけど、この場合は、by carsだ〜〜〜)everyday(*形容詞はeveryday。副詞はevery day。今度こそ覚えたぞ。) I think these accidents are related with (*related toが正しい。でもrelated withを使ってる例文も。要確認。)people's stress. If we decrease our working time and the society (*theはいらなかった？要確認)doesn't require high-speed, it will lessen people's stress, which leads to decrease accidents.
　　Secondly, in terms of technology (*形容詞は、technological!!)advancement, we should apply technology for public safety. Many cities have installed security cameras in public area(*the public areaでした！), which is efficient to decrease crime rates to some extent. More cameras and another technology should be installen in public.
　　In conclusion, It is desirable not only for the government but also for companies and people themselves to do more to improve public safety.