2022/08/31 English

BGM: 詩人の血 "ドイツク"

This morning I thought I couldn't go out of my room. I even thought that I would spend all this day doing Twitter. But that usage of time must be very useless. I want to enjoy reading, listening to, and watching. I also had to spend the money on the antigen test. So I went out of my room and visited the hospital. After spending the money, I went to Aeon as an activity of my morning duty and tried to read a book. But the book didn't come to my mind so I gave up, and I googled some apps to output my thoughts because I thought I had got inputted various things too much nowadays. But finally, I couldn't find any good ones so I decided to manage my output with the apps I already had.

I remembered that I had felt afraid of going out to this town once, especially during the period I just had come back to this town. Because I thought that I would meet classmates if I went to the town. They would laugh at me and say "You must be crazy", "You should die soon", and finally they would 'do' terrible things to me... Today I had such a terrible delusion. But now a lot of people stand by me. And I have trained the pride or self-love to separate myself from that kind of delusion. I already have fine self-love so shouldn't be afraid of...at least, the depression won't drive me crazy. I felt such a change so thought I am getting growing up. People might change in that way...

After taking a nap, I cleaned my room because I had made a promise to the staff of the group home. At first, I never thought I wanted to do that. But in fact, I had learned from my work, I had this idea. "however the motivation drives me, I should start from somewhere and do the duty step by step. Then, that would tell me what I should do the next". So I touched a book and moved that, and did the duty patiently. Then I could put myself into the work and do cleaning my room steadily. The BGM was "犬の約束" by a band called Tama. We made the promise as I could do my duty for about 30 minutes a day, and I shouldn't work more. Maybe doing the duty I have not used to, I got wet with too much sweat and felt too hot.

That night, I went to the 'danshu' meeting. There, I talked about the antigen test and also the PCR test I have done. Another member said to me "You are right" and that makes me fine. I went back to my group home and spent doing Twitter until I went to bed. I could never read any books as usual. I might need the duty of outputting the things I have, and I can't handle them. 'Outputting' might image you the word 'vomiting', then I exactly need that action of vomiting the junk in my mind and cleansing it. Thousands or millions of voices try to control me. But I need to face my chaos and try to 'vomit' them with my pen. I need no hurry...