Because the Sun was Too Bright

I thought I'd be fine since I go to the gym 3 times a week and let my guard down, but it looks like my nervous system is going completely out of whack. My body temperature changes on the fly, switching between hot and cold randomly, and I can't stop sweating 24/7. It's tolerable during the day, but when it gets late at night my breath grows short and my heart rate spikes and I can't seem to stay calm.

I disconnected the intercom of my house. I thought I could finally sleep then, but the trauma from the days I spent being woken up every morning for work makes it so that even now, whenever I go to bed, I'm deathly afraid that someone will come to wake me up even though I'm only just finally getting to sleep... And guess what comes next? Auditory hallucinations of people knocking aggressively on my door because they're worried that I didn't answer the doorbell.

I know that no one would come to my place so late at night. But every time the sound of knocking echoes in my brain, I go to the door, open it to see if anyone's there, and close it again. Clearly abnormal behavior.

You must be thinking, "but you're still writing this diary like normal!" or "you have to be faking it". But you know, even crazy people can write surprisingly coherently. Back in the day, I wrote and posted a whole lot while still feeling woozy from all the sleeping meds I was taking. People really liked the stuff I wrote like that for some reason, and the unhinged prose I wrote without any of the inhibitions I have when I'm completely uninfluenced surprised even myself. And so I continued, and gradually my interpersonal relationships started falling apart, and now here I am. So I'd say I can write because I'm crazy. Because otherwise, no one would give a guy like me the time of day.

Today, I thought my physical and mental condition were definitely not normal, so I went to get a professional opinion. When I met them in the cafe, I felt really cold, but at the same time my forehead was drenched in sweat. "Oh, it must be hot in here," I thought to myself as I took off my jacket. But then my hands started shaking so much I couldn't even pick up the cup of tea in front of me. Then I felt like if I saw the doctor while acting so stereotypically "weird", they would think I'm pretending to be tired and playing it up in order to make them feel sad for me, and so I felt bad and hurriedly tried to act cool. But my eyes just wouldn't focus properly, and the world around me looked like it was tinted a faint blue.

What's more, when I was on the way back home, something happened and I ended up freezing on the street. After the talk, the doctor helped me hire a taxi, which was fine, but then the driver took a wrong turn and started going on a huge detour. When I pointed it out, the driver apologized to me profusely and said I didn't have to pay him anything, but he looked so apologetic that I started panicking too, and so I told them, "I'll pay, so just drop me off here." In my mental state at the time, talking to someone even more distressed than me would just make me worse, and more importantly, it would be really awkward.

I got off the taxi in Itabashi, but otherwise I had no idea where I was. I wasn't expecting to have to roam the streets at night, so I wasn't wearing nearly enough layers. Helpless, I circled around the area for around 5 minutes, but when I got back, the taxi was still at the exact same spot. I peered into the window and saw that the driver was still sitting there in stunned silence, so I knocked on the door and dipped my head and said, "I'm sorry, don't worry about it, really! It happens, and I won't file a complaint or anything." The driver, seemingly convinced, drove off. I still have no idea what I should have done there. At the very least, I didn't cause him to lose any money, so that's acceptable, I guess.

I stumbled around in a city I didn't know very well for around 20 minutes, and finally I found another taxi and took it back home. I was at my limit both physically and mentally, but I still attended my meetings and replied to as many messages as I could. I have to wake up at 8 am tomorrow. I'm pretty sure a huge reason for how I am is a lack of sleep, but it's already 3 am right now. By the time I post this and get under the covers, it'll probably be past 4 am. My hands are as incredibly sweaty as always. I can't tell if my room is hot or cold, and I'm scared of the hallucinations of knocking on my door. And since I'm so scared, I put on a video of a pink-haired girl reading Night on the Galactic Railroad aloud.

If I completely snapped now, or if I died, wouldn't everyone else become a sort of slowburn murderer? But with the crime spread so thin across over a dozen people, they'd probably all go on probation, nothing more. They'd probably feel guilty about it for a while, but they'll forget it in a few months. That's the extent of it.

As for me, I'd fall straight into hell for being a coward who chose death in order to run from my own self. Both the grownups in the real world and the King of Hell himself would ask the same question: "Why would you choose to die?" Couldn't I have avoided dying if I really tried? Didn't I have people on my side? Didn't everyone do their best to support me?

Their logic is sound, and I can't say anything to that. I'm the one who's gone crazy, so no matter how I try to argue, they wouldn't understand, and I wouldn't be allowed to plead extenuating circumstances either. If so, it's my job as the resident weirdo to act crazy until the very end.

"Because the sun was too bright."

What an absurd excuse. He likely only said that because he knew no one would understand. If you really think Meursault was driven to murder just because the sun got into his eyes, then you're not fit to write book reviews and you should give up and throw your pen into the trash. So no one would ever understand how I feel, and it's fine to just write it off as that I died because the sun was too bright.

This diary is fiction. Dear readers, murderers, King of Hell, please forget every single thing you read and live tomorrow freely and healthily.