2) Inflammation causes: my damaged soul.

My inflammation is not healing. But I will definitely overcome this. My purpose in life is now to treat inflammation, and I have realized that it is not only an internal problem, but a psychological problem that carries a lot of weight. And this is a love problem, a problem about relationships and neurodivergent: brain diversification. This means that the circuits in my brain and H's brain are connected in quite different modalities.

I, M, have strong ADHD tendencies, my father was a high-functioning ASD and my mother had a long history of depression from Cassandra's Syndrome. As a result, M has strong adult-children tendencies and has long had and suffered from self-esteem issues. Since M has pretty much spent most of her life healing herself, M has now come to terms with it and has made a self-judgment that she is finally mentally sane (lol). Life has become easier, and because the hatred that never went away in M has disappeared, I (M) no longer feel frustrated or hopeless, and M can live and rejoice in the present moment. It is only because of her parents' relationship that M has been able to realize that her relationship with H is that of ASD and Cassandra, and M can feel hope from her parents who are still not divorced and say that they are the best friends over the years. However, M believes that it will be difficult for her continue to suffer and come to terms with it for a long time like her parents did.
In contrast, according to H that his father suffered from bipolar disorder and had alcohol and drug problems, and that he only talks about his mother, who died in her early 50s or 60s, as a good mother who was very good with her hands, good at sewing, and thought about her children's health a lot, although the psychological aspects of how his mother handled difficult childhood memories (e.g., repeated moves, being involved in violent incidents, etc.) were never mentioned. He seems to be aware that he is similar to (and influenced by) his father quite a lot.

Premise: I love H. I feel that I'm loved by H.
Problem: we can't have a conversation; H unintentionally humiliates M.

2022.0707, I forget what caused it, but a fight after a silly thing, I panicked. I (M) said for the first time as follows:
M: "I'll cut my wrists!"
H: "Cut 'em deeply, then you'll die for sure! I don't want to clean up, don't make a mess of my house, do it outside!"

Until now I had never had the idea of cutting my wrists. I have never slit my wrists. I am aware that I am the type of person who directs my anger outward rather than hurting myself (yep), so I have never had a desire to cut or hurt myself. I stuttered so much myself and seek help from a couple of friends (both counselors, what a fortune, now that I think about it, I am truly blessed! They have helped me and both very accommodating), but for the first time in my life, on July 7, 2022, I asked God, "Do you hate me?" I wondered. There is a novel written by Douglas Coupeland called "God Hates Japan". The title of the novel came to my mind: "If God hates me, therefore I am so harmful to this world that it would be better for me to disappear." The idea is that God hates me and that I am a detriment to this world. The consensus of the collective unconscious and all souls, including nature, is God for me, but if the consensus decides that I am evil, then I have no choice. That was my reasoning. But I definitely didn't want to kill myself, and this was not the day I wanted to die on my own at all, but I kept thinking about it, the ominous doubt not going away. If that is so, if God hates me, then kill me today on July 7. Any way, any way, any cruel way that would be worthy of my wickedness. I would rather die than be hated by God, more than anything else! I would rather die than be hated by God, and if it happened today, I would gladly accept the consequences, as fate and my destiny = God hates me. If there is a knife to swing, I will hang my own head in front of it. How was myself on that day, was I the same as usual? I think I was unusually un-energetic, but no one could have known that I was so convinced that God hated me. Ha ha. I've always been megalomaniac, which is funny when I think about it objectively, so I really like that part of myself, and I think it's a saving grace. But I desperately and seriously and truly and sincerely questioned it. I questioned God, I tried to take my hands off myself. I am sinful, I tested God.

---

What am I doing? I just want to live in peace and care for each other. What are you "slitting your wrists" for? To end this world, of course. I'm tired of spending 44 years on Earth, experiencing pain and joy, love and loss, meeting people and growing with each other, and becoming truly and sincerely oriented to what a wonderful planet Earth is. Yes, if I were going to do it, I have to do it deeply and in a way that allows me to die properly, and H is always right. Don't mess up the house. I must not cause him trouble, because I love him. I love H. And he is right, because I deserves to die by saying shit like that. But why is it so very, very sad? Because I am not the one who should not die, for H. Because if M dies, it's not H's fault, it doesn't matter, ultimately speaking. M can only take responsible for her existence. I still can only think of what H would think of me, even though I am going to eventually disappear. I'm sure I don't want to die, but I can't help to wonder. Where am I and who am I? After all. What is me.

Topic: About how we spend our mornings: Why can't I enjoy my mornings?

I have a memory. Mornings with the person I love, where we both feel the joy of being together from the moment we wake up in the morning and kiss each other while saying good morning gently. I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never get that again (as long as I am with H). I don't want it to the level of memories, but I like mornings. I like to spend my mornings happy. Yes, I have a feeling and preferences.

Reason why H is grumpy and doesn't make eye contact in the morning:
he can't be fine in the morning, he hasn't been since he was a kid (so it's impossible for him to change? I guess). No eye contact because Native Americans don't make eye contact (in the morning?). Eye contact are too strong(?) etc etc…

M's point: I don't want to be grumpy in the morning. I want to have a good morning. I don't mind quiet, but I don't want hostile, threatening, stressful mornings. I am not the enemy. I want to have a normal conversation, not one where a word is thrown at me and I do my best to decipher it. If you just say "coffee," I don't know if you want me to make you coffee, go buy you coffee, I don't know if you are asking me if I want a cup of coffee, or if you want to buy me a cup of coffee, or if you just want to say "coffee. But most of the time it is too complicated and far from the correct answer, and I feel hopeless again. The correct answer this morning was, "I'm going to buy coffee, but I only have enough change for one cup, and I'm walking there, so I can only carry one cup" = Do you want to go with me to buy coffee? But I can't buy it unless I have the change myself."  I don't know, I felt like dying again.

In the mornings, I avoid eye contact, keep quiet (as much as possible, which H prefers) and do not talk to him unless he says something. Because H is not good in the mornings, and it is impossible to change that.

Why is it absolutely impossible to change? I am not asking you to be in a good mood in the morning. I just want to breathe a little more. Why can't you get through? I want you to understand that I spend my mornings nervous. Why are my feelings always ignored? I have to put up with things I like. There is no middle ground or compromise in my relationship with H, because he "can't" and because "this is who he is". If I talk to him a little more slowly and patiently, I'm sure one day he will understand, I know he will, but today I'm too tired to do anything. 

He can't do it, so there's nothing we can do: It's no use telling someone who can't do it.
"You're with someone like that because you love him": You'll just have to endure, or else break up with him.

I understand, but it's hard. There are so many wonderful things about him. There are parts of me that only this person can understand.

Until July 7, I had never said I wanted to kill myself, but I did tell H as "Okay! I'll just die, right? Problem solved already! End of story!" or something like that. Those are the times when I lose track of the flow of our conversation, and I cringe when I feel that we are on an eternal parallel. A conversation that goes nowhere. I can't get my point across very well, and I'm afraid of hearing the same words over and over again from him (he has no idea of paraphrasing so keeps saying the same things), but as H gets frustrated, the volume of his voice goes up and I want to end everything already. He has this mysterious rule that if the other person shuts up, the conversation is over (he wins). That's not true at all, I shut up because I don't want to spend any more energy on someone I can't communicate with. Conversation is not about pushing one's point unilaterally. It's about sharing and responding to each other's ideas, really.

Of course, my "death to end it" language only escalates H's anger, so now he says more violent words to completely destroy me, words that are unfiltered and completely trample on the dignity of the other person as a cursed karma.  It's like a 9-necked, rampaging King Ghidorah monster (kaiju), with nothing but hatred in its pitch black eyes. Scorched earth! I am burnt by the flames and I'm going to be completely scorched, so in such a moment I feel almost nothing, I feel numb and I feel myself huffing and puffing away from me, like I'm something else. Like it's someone else's problem. This is the same reaction I had when I was abused as a child, and this sense of detachment is what keeps me alive and keeps me from doing more horrible things, like physically fighting back (violence) instead of verbally, so we are both still alive without killing each other.

But I am afraid of myself. I know that I am the kind of person who would turn a cursed eye in anger. There was hatred in me, too, and I have worked hard for decades to extinguish it. That hatred is deep and chillingly cold, inhuman and insensitive to the pain of others. Its rage is the effect of Asura, the most evil of demons, who judges others without self. When possessed by Asura, one begins to justify oneself and will use violence of any kind, becoming a beast obsessed with the thought that one is right. In other words, they are irredeemable because they are unrepentant. He will forever continue to try to destroy the world with his rage, and never look at himself objectively.

I have that potential myself, I am a weak person and I am very afraid of myself. I don't want to curse anyone and I don't want to be ruled by anger. So I would rather die than kill someone. But if I am driven by fear, I am weak and will choose violence?  Every time I am mentally trapped, I despair, I also blame myself for not making a good choice. I am a dreamer, I am serious about making this world a better place, but what am I doing? What is this?
Now, when I see signs of rage, I have panic attacks. Specifically, I experience difficulty breathing and severe numbness in the right side of my body, especially in my right arm. As a result, I no longer burn myself out in that worst rage (because the H startles and get back to himself).
Though, I realize, I'm still covered in burns.
This is probably one of the reasons for the inflammation that won't heal. I can't quit exposing myself to stress. Am I addicted to rage, sadness, and despair? Of course I am able to endure because I feel love and growth, but I don't think I can take any more of these burns.

When H is possessed by rage, it makes me sadder because it seems like he is purposely trying to hurt me or make me feel worthless. How can you be so easily possessed by rage? Can't you see how much evil chi is raging in the world right now? I have generated and flushed the chi of anger out into the world again. No matter how much plastic garbage we eliminate, the world will never change with the angry chi intact. The evil spirit has played with my mind, and as a result, I too cannot resist the evil spirit and generate anger and sadness in the world. I feel really, truly guilty about that. I live my life with the intention of making this world a better place and leaving a positive impact, and that is my only purpose in life, and yet this is how it is. So I feel sorry to God and question my fundamental raison d'etre. But how much does H realize this? He doesn't resist the evil spirit and seems to be unconcerned afterwards. I don't know, I'm afraid to know, how damaging the grumpiness and anger he spread can be to those around him, and H doesn't realize how much damage he's done to my soul. I know by hurting me, he is hurting himself. H has many of these defenses but I understand his pain. However I'm hurting too, and I can't take care of him alone any more, I have to save myself. But I feel guilty no matter what I do. I think if he had remained in the dark, he would be happy, maybe. But after killing someone, isn't it too late?

The outbursts of rage usually stop after a lot of tears from me and things falling on the floor, but to be honest, I barely remember the last part. I apologize all the time, in a weird, calm sort of way, but my head doesn't spin very well, anyway, because I want to calm H's indignation. But for what? I'm stupid and useless and ...... I apologize because my raison d'etre is unclear. I also think that if you think I am useless, then you need to let me go as soon as possible. Before you destroy M! What will H do if I am destroyed completely? What will I be like? Would it be possible? 

When the raging theater closes, H apologizes after a while, but I can't instantly give him the reaction he wants to see, which makes him anxious and irritated. I used to act the part, but I can't do it anymore. When I am down, he points out that I am obsessive and persistent. But I can't respond so quickly. Because I can't lie. I've come to say that too. I need time, and if I'm not well and you care, it's mutual. When you can't control yourself, I have no choice but to wait patiently for you to recover and be as gentle as possible. Anyway, what you need to understand is that I am not "now" OK. I'm not saying I won't be OK forever, but not at this moment. Because I am not a robot. I have memories, I have history, I don't have a reset button, I am a human being.

I don't have any resentment or anger towards H, seemingly apparently I used the reset button a lot in the past. I can remember the words and what happened but I refuse to feel misery. Because he doesn't know anything, how can I blame him for being ignorant? Even Jesus said, at the crucifixion. "Forgive them, please. They do not know." I'm probably even more forgetful than most people (because ADHD?). So, really, I'm not angry at what was said, but this is a physical sensation of being hurt, and the mental wounds hurt my body directly, and that appears as inflammation. I want him to apologize, or rather, I want him to understand. That's how much you have hurt me. That your words and attitude have power, and that H has no right to hurt others. I want him to be ashamed, I want him to be remorseful and have a strong will to have another option. I am also aware that if I leave him now, he will probably do the same thing with another person without knowing this. I want to help him and want him to live a constructive future even if we break up. And I sincerely hope that he will be happy. The truth is, I want to live happily with H…

If he continues to be unaware of "what is going on inside me", I will either break or become something else, some other creature that I am not. I'm not good enough to be a martyr, I like to think so. The idea of death is not my destiny, but rather my brain's way of shutting down when it gets too stressed as my friend pointed out. Death is (as far as I can imagine) a complete shutdown, so when I want to escape from the situation, I think of "death" as the most rational and immediate solution. If I were a person of sound mind, would I leave and run away right now? But I'm much more hopeful. That my H and I have a very deep connection and are together. We are so different that we must find a way to be kind to each other. It is not evolution when souls of the same shape come together, of course I wish I could do that…but.

I try to use magical thinking in this way, to bring myself a little closer to madness, to see something more positive in this relationship. I like H very much. I want to be with him, and I want to continue to be with him, because I want to accomplish great things together. It's really not a theory, it's just a fact that I think he's a wonderful person. So I see our problem as a communication issue between ASD and ADHD, neurodiversence problem, rather than a personality mismatch.

I have to maintain the relationship and at the same time take care of the damage done to my soul. I have really worked hard to become more confident, learn how to communicate more calmly, read literatures, treat people with love, and tried methods that would fit the wiring in H's brain. I'm very proud of myself, because I admit to myself that I've made loving choices and kept trying. In the past, I have tried to be a positive impact partner because I believe H needs to learn more about himself first and become more confident and happier. From my point of view, I think he is becoming happier and more constructive (in his thinking) than before. I am so happy for him, but I realized that I have kind of been thinking about H all the time. This is also a codependent relationship. So from now on, I have to start reconnecting with myself. 

Writing this is one of them. I can be objective about ourselves. If possible, I would like to seek therapy and this might help then.

I want H to know that I love him dearly and that I can see that his soul is absolutely good, no matter what outrage he experiences. But I have realized that I can't bend myself any more than I already have. I hope that once he truly understands that the things he said to me and his attitude were very abusive and that H's words could change my life forever, that he will please sincerely apologize to me. Then I feel my inflammation will get a little better, because my heart can be healed by being cuddled. I don't want to judge or blame, I just truly want him to know that what he's doing is not good for his own soul. I wonder, if he will notice if I die? I sometimes dream about it. In those moments, I don't have myself. Why, I wonder, why should I devote my life to another person? I have a strange memory, a memory of a past life, or the life of an unknown stranger, at which time I have died several times as a sacrifice, simply put, a soul to be deceived and used. That soul is the soul of a child who dies and is still used, and I have spent much of my life trying to liberate it. It has been both a personal soul healing journey and a real spiritual experience. I'm not at the stage of writing about the details now, but I do believe, in short, that there should never be another sacrifice. Innocent souls must not be taken advantage of. Now that the boundaries have collapsed, sacrifice is no longer an effective spell, and everything is moving toward liberation. And this is my consciousness as a secularist, but absolutely no one has the right to make an unresisting other suffer, for whatever reason, it is called abuse and violence, the very act of a beast.

In other words, I am too messed up in the head and crazy by my conscious magical thinking. Even there I lose my self-control and repeat what I have said and done to H in my head. I hate myself. I worked so hard to love myself, to experience love, to experience the loss of love, to decide to live with what is really important to me, and yet I am still trying to believe in this violent denial of my existence. And the person you just spat flames at me doesn't even know the true meaning of his tirade!

My recovery will take time. Because H insists that he did not mean it and that I (M) was the one who triggered H. In other words, he pretends not to understand the situation. I accept an apology for his loss of self-control, although I can't accept just words of apology. Of course, this is my point of view and I know it is full of bias. But now I see, it is a very abusive relationship…

I get flashbacks from time to time, believing everything H tells me, retarded, stupid, a fool for not thinking, a fool for not doing what he expects me to do. It was very small things, things like sterilizing bottles, putting things in place, the cleaning method etc. The little things he says can be very stinging and overbearing, I always think that H just doesn't know, that I need to forget everything he has ever said to me and move on. So I'm always trying to build up my self-esteem, but it's so hard to feel that the person closest to me don't care about my dignity, and I know it would be so sad and absurd for H to know that I feel that way. So it's a catch 22. Because I have to hurt H in order to be me.

I have a bad memory of talking to our mutual friend K about the outburst last December, and she gave me some "spiritual" advice. She told me, "M believes what H says, so in the end it's your fault; if you don't believe what H says is true, you won't get hurt; so in the end it's M's lack of confidence." At that point, H, who was beside me, agreed, and it took both of them to look down on me as immature for not being able to split against H's words. It was humiliating to be told that it was me who was at fault for being immature, when the problem was that it was coming from someone I loved. Looking back, it felt like it took two people to be mean to me (I am aware that I was very paranoid but), because I was the most hurt at the time. Come to think of it, I was also very conscious of "death" at that time (!). . I also thought that I didn't deserve to exist. What I hated most about this memory was my inability to act in my own defense. I was angry with those fools who used spiritualism as an excuse for self-justification, but I pretended to believe that there was truth in their words and pretended to reflect on them. I tried to reflect, and it had a certain effect, but not completely, and the hurt was still there. Because you can't pretend you're not hurt. I won't lie. No matter how immature I am, I don't want that to be the reason I keep getting myself hurt. At that time, no one said to H, "You have to change your attitude towards your girlfriend". I then got lost and fell further into hell. Did I want to blame H after all? With someone else as on behalf? 

I still remember the despair and anger I felt then. Now it seems like shit, and I just wanted sympathy! I can see that. But I couldn't say it directly that way. I needed a third party to tell H that he shouldn't act that way to someone he cares. But that didn't happen, so I tried my best to change and adapt anyway. As a result, I think H is much happier than before, but I don't think I could stay the same any longer. I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder due to some things that happened at my previous workplace, but if anything, and I am sure, this has to do with daily stress as well, and I think it has also distorted my relationships with others. At any rate, I can't think of anything good about myself at all. Being "good" is by "choice" and "will", so it's not really my predisposition.
In an attempt to prove the value of my existence, I have done nothing but devote my energy to others, and in the end, I have nothing left of myself, and even my identity has become diluted. All that remains now is "intention," and I can only recognize my existence by orienting myself to a very abstract concept of what is good, what is virtue, and what is beautiful. Well, I don't think there was much in it to begin with, but what the hell am I? I must have done a lot of things, met a lot of people, been in and out of a lot of places, and thought a lot, but in the end, I now wonder if I am not allowed to exist in this world. I suspect that I am not. I am now unsure of my history. Everything feels worthless, like a phantom in oblivion. I know in my head that my existence will have no value unless I acknowledge myself. But I just can't get my senses around it right now. 

As I write this today, July 8, I am alive and not dead on July 7. I take the liberty of interpreting this as "God doesn't hate me" and I want to seal my ominous thoughts. I hope to make my relationship with H less painful by facing this feeling now, the feeling that I can't take it anymore. However, I am wondering how to solve the problem of unacknowledged harassment. It unnerves me, I want to consciously use loving words with each other, even though it is a very difficult challenge, I don't think a bright future will come where there is no intention. I don't want to repeat the beast again, and I don't want to let it separate me from myself any more. I am not a sacrifice. I am not to be used and forgotten for someone else's benefit, no one should be treated that way anymore, I want to continue to love and help me.

I still don't know what to do, but writing helps me a lot and now I found one thing about myself, I like writing.