Wrestling with Identity and Fear: A Reflection on Tragedy and the Uncertainty of Life

After being deeply emotional over the heartbreaking news of a 10-year-old boy stabbed by a Chinese man and eventually passing away, I still cannot stop thinking about it. The more I scroll through the social media platform X, which is widely used by Japanese users, the more my feelings of rage and sadness intensify. This tragic event has shaken me, and it's difficult to process such a senseless loss of life.

I once believed that I would never question my nationality. I was fortunate to be born and raised in a country with rich traditions and a long historical background, and I took great pride in my heritage. I felt a deep connection to my roots and was determined that my children would carry forward the unique blend of cultures they inherit from me, never giving up that part of their identity. But now, after this incident and the series of attacks against Japanese nationals living in China, I can’t help but feel a growing pain deep within me.

How did my homeland, a place I loved, produce someone capable of committing such a horrendous act? Why did this innocent, naive child have to pay the ultimate price in a society so distorted by violence and instability? How does an ordinary, sinless mother, along with her family, bear the crushing weight of this loss? To add to the tragedy, this child was of mixed Chinese and Japanese descent—just like my own children. As a mother, I find myself consumed by the fear of similar accidents or violence befalling my kids. Whenever those terrifying thoughts creep in, I physically shake, unable to push away the looming sense of dread.

Today, something I never imagined happening crossed my mind. For the first time, I considered whether I should quit my Chinese nationality, as I now feel an overwhelming sense of shame as a Chinese person living in Japan. It has always been difficult to navigate life as a foreigner in a different country, especially as a Chinese person, knowing that people may treat you unfairly simply because of your nationality. Now, on top of that fear, I find myself worrying about whether my children might be bullied or treated differently at school because they have a Chinese mother. This thought fills me with anxiety.

But now that I have written down my thoughts and reflected on everything, I realize something important: no matter how much worry, sadness, or anger I feel, the past cannot be changed. What happened has already become an unchangeable fact, and no amount of emotion can reverse it. The future I am so deeply concerned about does not exist yet. It’s unknown and unwritten, which means I have control over how I approach it. Instead of drowning in fear, I can focus on what I can control—being discreet and careful in how I present myself, avoiding unnecessary attention, and staying alert when I visit China with my children. I must find a way to keep my children safe while living between two cultures.

My mother once told me something that rings even more true now. She said that people today are suffering under the weight of a highly stressful society, shaped by factors like record-low employment rates, falling incomes, and the skyrocketing cost of living. These pressures can push even an average person to their breaking point, and we can never predict what the "last straw" will be. Tragedies like this remind us of just how fragile society can be, and how unpredictable human behavior becomes under such strain.

Despite the overwhelming sadness and anger I feel, I realize that I must stay strong for my family. The world is filled with uncertainty, and while I cannot control everything, I can control my response to it. What happened is a tragic reminder of the fragility of life and the complex pressures that shape people’s actions.

I may never understand why this senseless violence occurred, but I do know that I must teach my children to navigate the world with kindness and vigilance. I know that I cannot allow fear or shame to define me or my family’s future. Instead, I will focus on raising my children with resilience, cultural pride, and a deep sense of compassion for others. Ultimately, doing what is right and maintaining a good heart, without ill intent, is all that any of us can strive for in such an unpredictable world.